The Composer is Dead

the composer is dead [Applause] composure is a word which here means a person who sits in a room muttering and humming and figuring out what notes the orchestra is going to play this is called composing but last night the composer was not muttering he was not humming he was not moving or even breathing this is called decomposing the composer's death was very suspicious and so the inspector was called in to find the murderer or murderers and hauled them off to jail I will begin by interviewing all the usual suspects the inspector said like all people in his line of work this composer had many enemies lurking in the orchestra they can lurk all they like but I will find them wherever they are lurking I will find them if they are lurking in the strings I will find them if they are lurking in the brass I will find them if they are lurking in the woodwinds I will find them if they are lurking in the percussion section I will find them wherever wherever they are lurking [Applause] the inspector was a very handsome and intelligent person not unlike myself I swear on my own intelligence and good looks the inspector said I will solve this terrible crime against humanity and/or classical music and with an intelligent if somewhat flamboyant gesture he reached into his pocket and took out the notebook he used for all official business first I will interrogate the strings he cried strings where were you on the night in question the violins answered first of course the violins section is divided into the first violins who have the trickier parts to play and the second violins who are more fun at parties we were performing a waltz said the violins we play graceful melodies so the ladies and gentlemen could spin around and around and around until they felt dizzy and somewhat nauseous this kept us busy all night [Applause] [Applause] aha the inspector cried making a note in his notebook perhaps you murdered the composer for making you play so much don't be ridiculous the violin said violins are the stars of any Orchestra if we kill the composer we would have to find work at square dances or in romantic restaurants that's true the inspector admitted but what about you cellos and basses the cellos and basses side the cellos and basses are often weary from dragging their large bodies around the bases in particular are so enormous that I can't even fit into taxicabs without sticking their curly heads out of the window we were providing accompaniment they said you can't waltz without a reliable one two three one two three it's boring but it's steady work [Applause] [Applause] aha the inspector cried perhaps you murdered the composer for giving you such boring things to play on the contrary the cellos and basses said we don't feel the need to show off like certain stringed instrument we could mention well I guess that takes care of the strings the inspector said oh the violas I forgot all about you everyone forgets about us so the violas bitterly we play the notes in the chords that nobody cares about we play crucial countermelodies nobody hears we often have to stay late after performances and stack up all of the chairs we spent last night feeling sorry for ourselves as usual but we did notice that the concertmaster was acting strange she was talking and laughing with a composure and carrying a suspicious black case the concertmaster is the best violin player in the entire Orchestra and is often accused of treachery I was talking with a composer about my cadenza she said using a word which here means fancy solo part I'd never murder someone who was giving me such an excellent opportunity to show off [Applause] [Applause] [Applause] that's enough rings that's enough strings that enough strings you all have very good alibis the inspector said taking notes in his notebook but the composer is still dead [Applause] [Applause] you perhaps the murderer is lurking in the wood witness where were you last night woodwinds speak up speak up we were doing bird imitations said the flutes the shiniest and highest pitched of the woodwinds it seems like that's all we ever do whenever the orchestra needs a bird there we are huh the inspector cried perhaps you murdered the composer for making you act like birds don't make us laugh the flutes cried we're much too wimpy and high-pitched for murder ask the reed instruments they're much sneakier than us sneaky said the clarinets we're not sneaky by the way inspector that is a very handsome jacket you are wearing thank you so the inspector such shiny battements said the bazooms you think so the inspector said blushing slightly and the color is very flattering said the yobbo really the inspector said twirling around that's very kind of you to say so but why are you giggling flutes ignore them said the first oboe leaning in close if I were you I'd question the brass instruments instead they're a violent lot the brass the inspector said writing in his notebook you really think so you can trust me the oboe said everyone trusts me after all i tune up the entire orchestra by playing an a listen you can't argue with that the inspector said brass what do you have to say for yourselves last night was incredibly important for us proclaimed the trumpets in a boisterous manner a phrase which here means loudly and with a certain arrogant rudeness we announced the arrival of kings and presidents we led soldiers into battle and held a parade when they got home our ears are still ringing from other ruckus aha the inspector cried making a note in his notebook perhaps you murdered the composer for making you play so loud we loved being loud the trumpets replied brass instruments are brassy by Nature besides loud is patriotic and we suspect the murder was committed by a foreigner a foreigner the inspector repeated what say you French horns you have a strange accent the French horns did not understand the question and began murmuring a story about the old country when's their war split our hearts like a cantaloupe and the boy and the girl Wells a cantaloupe leave the French horns alone the trombones said they were in such a state that we took him out to the club to cheer them up we ordered a few bottles of expensive wine and then took the stage swinging and dancing until dawn we were there to to the percussion instruments barging in as only percussion instruments can do we drums we / cust we employed as I love fondness and symbolism we hurt the beats and feet the herd we struck up and got down we talk of a concert batted a band advocated the audience rat of the roof and got the phone numbers of several very attractive young sailors by then we were peach too exhausted to commit murder [Applause] [Applause] and what about you tuba the inspector said were you involved in these distasteful shenanigans no the tuba said I'm a confirmed bachelor I was home all night playing cards with my landlady the harp taking sips of warm milk from a little blue Cup the inspector flipped through the pages of his notebook and scratched his handsome head with a well-manicured hand I'm utterly baffled he said I've questioned all of the instruments in the orchestra and none of them seems to be the murderer the violins waltzed the cellos and basses provided accompaniment the violas mourned their fates while the concertmaster showed off the flutes did burn imitations repeatedly and the reed instruments have a good taste to admire my jackets the trumpets held a parade in honor of our great nation while the French horns wax nostalgic about something earlier the trombones had too much to drink the percussion beat the bands and the tuba stayed home playing cards with his landlady the harp taking sips of warm milk from a little blue cup but the composer is still dead you know all this narrating is getting me very hungry I could really go for a grilled vegetable burrito right now or what do you call those things where they take the meat and the potatoes and they wrap them in a sort of phyllo dough or maybe it's a strange noise caught the inspectors ear of course he said the conductor you've been murdering composers for years in fact wherever there's a conductor you're sure to find a dead composer Beethoven dead boss dead wrong dead months dinner height dead Schubert's unfinished but dead dead so romantic dead Tchaikovsky dramatic dead strabinsky exit prehensile but dead [Applause] not so fast said the entire orchestra in unison the conductor didn't work alone all of us have butchered a composer at one time or another but we also keep composers alive without strings and woodwind without grass and percussion there would be no composing at all except for various kinds of non orchestral music if you want to hear the work of the world's greatest composers you're going to have to allow for a little murder here and there but but that's intestines quite the inspector those who are justice said the orchestra can go to the police but those who want something a little more interesting should go to the orchestra [Applause] you

8 thoughts on “The Composer is Dead

  1. 6:26

    Me: the F*** U SAY TO ME U LITTLE S***

    I will stab you.

    8:20 yes, that is true 😭
    I’m a violist

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