– ♪ Oh, your blackbird
sound in the dead of night ♪ (man singing indistinctly) Fuck, he sucks.
(laughter) You know, uh–
Speaking of… – Dude, you can’t do that
to me ’cause I’m sick, so it was either
snot or coffee. ♪♪ – This is “Bonfire.”
– Yeah. – And– and we got
the camera crew with us. – Yay!
– You’re one day– You and Christine,
one day into October. October no smoking?
– That’s right, we are. Well, we’re into
our one day, yeah. – Yeah, this is the first day
of not smoking cigarettes. – Not wigging out– I thought
I’d be wigging out more by now. – Usually comes within a week.
– The wig out? – Yeah, when does your wig outs
usually happen. Mine happen about six days–
– Day one. – Really?
– Yeah, the wig out? – Mine is where I– mine is
where I forget that I’ve quit, and I go to smoke and I realize
that I can’t smoke. That was like my first week. There was a couple of times
I went to go grab a cigarette, and I was like, “Oh, fuck,
I don’t smoke anymore.” – Yeah, well, I mean, I hold
this like a crutch all day long. – The vape.
– Yeah. – You got the blu.
– Yeah, just a little… – Which even Stephen Dorff
turned on. – Yeah, he hates it. – He’s back to smoking
cigarettes. – He’s back to the butts. – Was he on Stern saying
that he smoked cigarettes. – He was on STR show.
– It was STR, yeah, yeah. At gas– – Me and the Dorff
kicked it all night. – Dude, he was the first
fucking villain in “Blade.” – Yeah.
– You said it, honey. – Yeah! There!
We got Mom-Mom drops! – Mom-Mom drops already?
– I know you very well. – Yes!
– Yeah. Dude, you’re fly, now you’ve
got some wind behind your wings. – Hell, yeah.
Shan Tov, everybody. – Yeah, Happy New Year.
Happy New Year, Shanah Tovah. – To Lynn and Hard Corey, the newlywed nuptialed
Hard Corey. – And Jacob.
– Jacob. How is married life
treating you, Corey? Sex is already down, right?
Ain’t happening at all. – We don’t talk.
We sleep in different rooms. – Right, all she wants
is busting your balls. You just wanna ball
with your boys. – Yeah, you just wanna go to
your garage, have a old one
after a hard day at work. – It’s pretty much the same,
I gotta admit, but– – She’s always
done those things? – In a way, I think it’s better,
because there was something that we would’ve gotten
in a fight about that came up like five days
after we got married, and I think we both just looked
at each other and said, “You know, there’s
no reason to fight, we’re stuck together,” and then
it just kind of defused. – He showed her the ring and he
went, “This is for life.” – “I will kill you before I…”
– “Mine or yours.” Yeah, “I will put you
in a foggy marsh unless you agree with
every single one of us.” – “I’ll film the whole
goddamn thing.” – Dude, what is that was
the arc for “The Bonfire”? Corey ended up murdering
his wife and then we were just suspect– we were
character witnesses, and this is just a huge trial
where Jacob– – So, guys, we’re gonna run
a Lost Tapes tomorrow because we got grand jury
turns out. – I mean, sorry, guys, we’re
doing a “best of” all week. Turns out Corey hacked
his wife to death and we gotta go testify
against it. – I gotta give a deposition.
There’s a whole thing. – Apparently there was a thing
going on with Christine and Corey, and we didn’t know…
– Media blackout. – I don’t know, man.
We are not allowed by the State of New York
to talk about anything… – We’re in a media
fucking blackout. – Yeah, it’s the People of
New York versus Hard Corey. (laughter)
– He just snapped. Hard Corey couldn’t
take it no morey. – He goes, “Do you want me
to tell you what happened? Yeah, I killed the bitch
with headphones.” – “Eh, so what?”
– “I fuckin’ murdered her.” – “She was never gonna
let me leave. She was never
gonna let me leave.” – “I had to get married.
I was fuckin’ trapped. I was fuckin’ trapped.” He goes, “I couldn’t go back
to the world of film and porn. “My love.
I love putting skin on film.” – You gonna for a kid, Cor,
or are you so ashamed of your pornographic past
that you don’t feel you should bring a child
into the world?” – I understand that. But through dark
comes light, Corey. – I had to explain to her
what a maingel was. – Really?
– Because you guys got me that cake that said
“Congratulations on finding your maingel.”
I showed her the photo. She said, “What the hell’s
a maingel?” – That’s–
– You explain it to her? – I had to admit
I didn’t really know. – So funny, you go,
“Well, do you remember the movie ‘The Goonies’?”
– Come on, do you not know? – Well, I know now.
Lynn had to explain to me, what a maingel is.
– How did Lynn– Lynn, how did you explain
what a maingel was to Corey? Did you go–
– They’re in my program. – Yeah! She goes, “Now there’s
things called boys and girls, “and boys like girls,
and girls don’t like boys unless they have a lot of
nitrous and a house.” How did you explain it? – When a man and woman
love each other, and one of those men– and
that man is Corey Feldman… – Yes.
– He picks a bunch of angels… – Yes.
– …but then he picks one angel to be his maingel.
– And he marries that one. – And that’s his maingel.
– I believe the proper nomenclature in the streets
is “bottom bitch.” – Yes.
– Yeah. – So we’re, sure, Lynn can
continue to wear lingerie and wings and walk around
your house… – Absolutely.
– But your wife is your maingel. That’s just eye candy.
– Listen, we’re all– – Lynn just eye candy
for you guys. – I’m not saying
it’s out of the realm that you can’t have nitrous
oxide suck-off parties… – Not at all, absolutely.
– With people dressed as angels and other reporters
that aren’t having fun. However…
– That said… – Your wife is your maingel.
– When it comes down to go out to Olive Garden,
only one’s going with you, and that’s the maingel. – Also, if you choose
to cover “Blackbird” at a bar, you have to play
with your maingel. – Yes, just make sure you bring
Lynn home some, like, you know, it’s unlimited
breadsticks and salad, so bring her home some.
– Buy one get one free dinner. – Yeah, bring one home for Lynn. And then the maingel gets
the other one. – So weird that you read comics.
It’s such an odd thing. – Yeah, I mean,
I read certain comics. I like certain– I like Batman. I like anything
Garth Ennis does. – Still currently?
– Yeah, I read comics. I love it.
– Where? – Sometimes I’ll go to Midtown–
I’ll go to Midtown Comics if I’m just in the area.
– And buy some comics? – Just ask what’s going on.
I was supposed– I started to read
“The Manhattan Project,” but then, you know, I kind of
bailed after like half a book. But I’ll get into it.
I’ll like it. – Yeah?
– Yeah, I’ll get into comics. If they’re like cool, like
“The Boys” that’s out on Amazon. – Where do you have ’em?
– Uh, what do you mean? – I’ve been to your house. I didn’t see
your comic collection. – Yeah, look in my bottom
oh my library– or my bookcase when you come–
– Is it really comic books? – Yeah, there’s a ton
of comic books. – That’s so crazy.
I didn’t notice that at all. – Yeah, if you look–
I mean, in fact, I’m gonna let Jacob borrow–
’cause he started reading “The Boys,”
and I have the whole set, and I was gonna give him
the ones he hasn’t read yet. – You guys are
trading comic books? You think that’s less gay
than sharing hearts? – Yep. Yep, I’ll still stand by it.
– Stand by it? – I stand by it.
It’s still less gay than sharing your heart
with a Terminator. – I had an old comic I found
at my grandma’s house recently. It was “Groo.” I used to read
a lot of funny comics. – Yeah, that’s–
those are for simpletons. – I was for–
I was into comedy comics. Yeah, yeah, well,
I was really young. – I know, I’m kidding.
That was my way of– – I never got– I liked comic
book artwork a ton. – Yeah.
– But did not really get into reading comics.
– Do you remember book fairs? Do you remember book fairs
in elementary school? Where you’d, like,
go to the book fair? – Never bought books.
– I always– – I always bought the activity
thing you could do, markers. – I bought the how to draw
comic book… – Sure.
– And then I’d just trace. And I would just trace it!
– When they made trace paper… – I was such an idiot!
– When they made trace paper, I used to trace
all kinds of shit. – Dude, I just remembered
this story telling this. But I remember in fourth grade,
I traced a picture of Bart Simpson
and I showed it to this girl Valencia Harris…
– Mm-hmm. – And she just goes,
“You traced that.” And I go, “What?” ‘Cause I was
acting like I drew it. – Yeah.
– And she’s like, “You traced that.”
And I was like, “Pssh!” Turns out Valencia turns out
being an incredible artist, so she was, like, into drawing
and I just showed it to her. And she goes,
“Yeah, you traced that.” And I was like, “Fucking liar.
What? I drew that.” – How’d she know, you think?
– The lines weren’t complete. She said when you’re like–
when you’re sketching something the lines go through.
Mine were like, one, and then it was like up.
I was an idiot. I traced bad.
I’m bad at tracing. I’m an awful liar is
basically what I’m saying. – Do you want to have
a Bart Simpson drawing contest right now?
– You’d probably smoke me. – I don’t know
if that’s true at all. – We already did the draw-off.
You won. – But that was pictures of us
having sex with Jacob. That’s different. – We did another one
previous to that. – We did?
– Yeah, you won. You had your bad boy
with the hat, and I had my guy
with the brain opened up. No one liked it.
– Well, you’re the hero of the black women
of the hallways, so you have your thing
and I have my thing. The more you tell that lady
that she has to compliment me, the more she
publically digs at me in the hallways, and I don’t
know her at all. Today she actually aid,
“Fuck him.” – Well, ’cause I was going,
“Stop it, stop it. “I’m gonna get yelled at for
the show for you praising me. I can’t be praised,” I was
yelling out like an abused wife. I was like, “Don’t–
If you arrest him he’s just gonna beat me more!”
– Who is she? – Karen Hunter.
– Fuck her. – Hey.
– How about that? – She was just
trying to be nice. – To say “Fuck me?”
– No, to me, and I making it a thing
and she was joking around. She didn’t actually say,
“Fuck you.” – Did she not?
I’m coming at her. – Oh, my God, this is terrible.
– Coming at her, dude. – People wanna know what
the smoke breaks are like. It’s him pointing out that
I’m Mafee from “Billions,” and then anytime I get
a compliment in the hallway it’s him stomping in here
for the first hour. – It wasn’t the compliments.
– We were having a lovely conversation about comics books.
– It wasn’t the compliments. – I wanna watch
“The Dark Knight” trailer. I’ll watch
“The Dark Knight” trailer. You can complain to the cameras.
– She said all this camerawork is for you. – Yeah, she goes, “All these
cameras for Dan Soder?” Which immediately filled me
with anxiety. – Right.
– ‘Cause I know Jay is going like, “Oh, is this all for you?”
And I’m like, “No, it’s not.” – I disagree.
I agree it was all for Soder. – No, you weren’t,
and you fucking liar. – I did agree out there!
– Yeah, but you’re an asshole. – That’s exactly
what I said, I agree! – Why you talking so high? – That’s what I said
right out in the hallway! – You said it, honey.
– Thanks, Mom-Mom. – I love how you constantly
have a hype man now. You constantly have a Mom-Mom
to agree with you. – Mom-Mom just goes
with whatever. – Yeah, Mom-Mom–
– I know you very well. – See?
– She goes, “All this cameras for you, Dan Soder.” And then I was like,
“Hell yeah.” – No, Jacob will
understand immediately the anxiety I felt
when I heard that. I was like, “Stop it, stop it,
you’re gonna get me in trouble! You’re gonna get me in so much
fuckin’ trouble with Jay!” – Because they’re ignorant.
– Oh! Mom-Mom! I was trying to tell them
it was for– It was for your sweet
Jason-Jason. I don’t know
what she calls you. – First of all
“It was for me and Jay.” And she goes,” Well,
I don’t know him.” So, that was her being
ignorant actually right away. I said nothing shitty.
– Sure. – Because they’re ignorant.
– Yeah, that’s right. – She doesn’t mean blacks.
– You said it, honey. – She does not mean blacks,
by the way. She means black women.
– You said it, honey. – It’s just
a constant agreement. – You said it, honey!
You’re so great to have backup on any
terrible thing you say! Look, I’m not saying black
people should be sent away. I’m just saying we should
stay separate from them. – You said it, honey. – I mean, if my grandma
backs that up. – Your grandmother
is just violently racist, and I had no clue.
– She turned to violent racism. – Yeah. – My honey doesn’t have
a racist bone in his body. Except for the blacks.
– (all) You said it, honey! – I love it.
Here’s– Here’s the– – But that, uh, yeah, that was
so weird in the halls. She went big with it also.
That was odd. – Yeah.
– But that’s cool. – They love you, dude.
– I did her show. – Yeah, yeah, yeah, they were
all about it, dude. Fuckin’ Bev saw you
in the hallway. Her titties all
jiggling out and shit. – Bev said hi to you too.
– Huh? – Bev said hi to you too.
– It’s literally– I hope it’s on– Please say
we got that in the hallways, walking in the hallways. It is, “Oh, Dan!”
(shouting indistinctly) – She didn’t do that at all.
– And then she goes, “Hey.” She gave me a “hey.”
– That’s not at all. – That security guards
do that to you. What have you done, dude?
What did you do last February? Did you give everybody
a present for 28 days? – I should tell you this.
I do corporate Kwanzaa events. I go in and I usually do like
one Kwanzaa show a year. – You’re the corporate comic
for Sirius XM’s parties. You never tell me?
– Yeah, dude, I do real clean. – I gotta jam out today after
the show, buddy, I’m sorry. You go upstairs to a boardroom.
– That’s why they all love me. I go in and I do clean.
I do a tight, clean 45. – Keep it really
tight and clean. – Yes, sir, Dan Soder,
“Billions” talking to the ladies.
– I hate you. – It’s Mafee from “Billions.”
– Stop it. – Sorry, but that is Mafee.
– Oh, damn it. – Yes, sir, it’s what
you think in a tracksuit. It’s Mafee
from TV’s “Billions.” – Hi.
– It’s Dan Soder. – I hate you.
I hate you so much. – Crazy.
It’s New York, though, right? ♪♪ Wait a second. Did you just get me
to come down here, Dan, to avoid the hustle
and bustle of Mafee fame up there in the real world? – There’s a lot of Mafee fame
in-between here and there, but, yes, I do enjoy this–
I’m much more relaxed and myself down here. Up there is a fuckin’ hot zone
of Mafee heads. – Don’t here you just said
is also Mafee-heavy. – No, but they’re just going– They’re going quick
to the subway. They’re in transit.
– Oh, see, so by the time they get here, they’re not
slowing it down for Mafee. – They don’t care about–
They don’t care about a 15th on the call sheet–
Now! – It would have to be
a Giamatti. – I would even say
a dollar bill. I would even say
you jump up a couple. – No.
– Yeah. – Don’t you dare.
– That would stop ’em. I think maybe… – Do you think maybe
the problem is don’t know that you are, in fact,
Mafee from “Billions” sitting right over here? Because you’re a little
out of eyeshot. Is that why you picked
sort of this out of way area? – No, I picked it
’cause I like the chairs. – Mm-hmm. He’s wondering
what’s going on. – Why?
– Where they where? Oh, they were wondering. “Oh, this guy’s got
‘Billions’ all over him.” – Hi, Dan Soder.
“Trillions,” the spinoff. What happens?
when “Billions”… – “Mafee’s Revenge!”
… get trillions? The standalone movie. – What happens when
“Billions” get trillions? – Trillions! (Dan burping) – There’s no one– Oh! – It’s just funny
to emerge like this, though. (Jay laughing) – Me pointing forward?
– Yeah, that great! Me pointing at you
for the album. (laughter) – Hey, what’s going on?
– He’s the DJ and you’re the rapper. – Hi, Bev.
How you doing? – Bye, baby.
(overlapping chatter) – Okay, I wonder
what’s up. Hi. Hey. ♪♪ – Is this all for Dan Soder’s
people with cameras and– – And Big Jay Oakerson, you
gotta say Big Jay Oakerson too or he’s gonna–
It’s half his show, or else I’m gonna be buried.
– No, it’s not. – But now I’m in trouble–
– We got a relationship. – But now I’m in trouble with
Jay because you acknowledged me. ‘Cause he cant–
He gets jealous. He gest jealous,
and now I’m gonna pay for it. I’m like an abused wife.
– I got you, I got you, Dan. – Yeah.
– Fuck me. – I’m like an abused wife.
I know I’m gonna be the one that takes this. – She said “fuck him.”
(laughter) – No, I’m the one–
The the one that pays. – Oh. – I’m like, “Shut it down.
Don’t say hush.” – I like how
she yells at you, and then she goes–
you’re like, “I don’t know him.” – Yeah, she just keeps going,
“I hate him.” I’m like, “Stop it! “You have to acknowledge him
or I will get yelled at. “If you do not
acknowledge him, I will be the one
that pays for it.” – And it’s “The Bonfire,”
Comedy Central Radio. Sirius XM 95.
I’m Dan Soder. That’s Big Jay Oakerson.
And joining us, the host from the podcast
“Advice from a Dipshit,” and the new special “Finally
Live In Portland” on Amazon. Please welcome to the show
Matt Braunger, everyone. – Hello, boys.
– Hello, Matt. – What’s happening?
– We’re just doing this super aggro–
’cause all these incels are threatening violence
in “The Joker” ones. But you know who doesn’t
threaten violence? Dudes who love nut tap rock. – No, ’cause you
get rid of your violence on another fella’s nuts.
– Yeah. – And you get HPV
pretty early in life. – Yeah, but that learns ya. – Are there actual
dork threats on the movie? – No, I don’t think so.
– Like are there dorks threatening that there’s gonna
be trouble in the theaters? – Are we Dork Level Nine?
– There’s a dork level. – What’s the dork level on that? – Our dork threat level
is orange. I think that’s where
“Joker” is. Usually our dork threat level
is at like a yellow. – Okay.
– Yeah. – The dork level– White dude
dork level threat is at orange.
– I just– I wanna see like a Secret Service guy just
say that into his wrist. Looking “pentively” across
the parking lot. “We’re at dork level orange.” – He goes, “Nine o’clock,
I got a dork. I got a dork
about to make a move.” – Keep your eyes
on that dork. – It’d be funny
if the crime in the movie was always appropriate
to the movie– You know, like the Aurora
kid did The Joker. and dressed as The Joker.
– Sure. – And during like
the Tonya Harding movie you go in,
just kneecap a guy. – Oh, no!
Everybody’s getting kneecapped! – Oh, it was a massacre
of kneecaps! Ow! – Watch out, everyone–
– Ow! – One after the other
trying to escape! – There is a warning.
If you got see “Notebook” in theaters,
you will not connect with the love of your life. – But you will kiss
someone in the rain. That’s a guarantee.
– Yeah, just a bunch of sprinklers going out
and everyone’s making out. – It’s just and usher that’s
paid to kiss you on the mouth under a shower
they’ve rigged up. – I wrote you every day!
– That’s what he says to everyone before he
gives ’em a big smacker. – Wrote you every day. Kiss.
Wrote you every day. Kiss. – “The Notebook”
kissing massacre. – Someone– someone
shoots up a movie theater showing “King Kong”
with a biplane. (imitating machinegun firing) – Yeah!
– They, uh… We were talking about
celebrity meltdowns, ’cause we looked
at Aaron Carter, the younger brother
of Nick Carter from The Backstreet Boys.
He got a big face tattoo. – Okay, oh!
– And that’s always the sign of a mental breakdown. – And he’s on
“Marriage Boot Camp” with Corey Feldman. So it’s–
He looks like a meth– Can you make
the picture real big? I gotta see what it is.
– Wow. – Someone said– I think
on Stern today they said it’s like
Rihanna with Medusa hair. – Wow.
I mean, and have you noticed– Like, the face tattoo
thing was… publically kind of started
by rappers, yeah, generally? – Yeah.
– And generally black rappers. – Tyson.
– Seems like Lil Wayne was like the first guy that was
really doing it hard. – And so now you have like…
Is it Lil Xan? Like white people getting it.
And white people getting it just looks like you fell
asleep at a frat party. – It does look like a drawing.
– It’s so bold. It looks like someone
just drew on your face. – It’s so bold, yeah.
– With a darker complexion it’s subtler, you know–
– Every time I see Post Malone I’m like, “Who’s house did
you fall asleep at?” – “How drunk were you?”
At– at– Phi Delta Kappa? – ♪ I be falling asleep
at Craig’s sleepover ♪ – Yeah, the–
the tattoo artist has said on several platforms already that he tried to
talk him out of it. He wouldn’t do it in the middle
of his face the way he wanted. – What?
– And he wouldn’t drag it to far, so he got him to
agree finally to kind of do it this way. He’s the guy that did
Tekashi69’s tattoos on his face also.
– What is the recoup– Let’s say you get a face tattoo.
Let’s say you’re Post Malone and get a face tattoo
and you want that shit off. You wanna take your face off.
– It’s never gonna look great. You’ll have to wear makeup
the rest of your life if you want it
to really look gone. – It’s gonna burn.
The– Whatever they do. The lasers.
– You’ll have scarring. Your skin’ll look different
there forever, yeah. – And hearing that like noise
that it makes when it’s like,
“Tick tick tick tick tick!” You know, and they’re like–
– And you know it’s just zapping your skin.
It’s like boiling your skin. – Yeah, man.
– It’s almost like– I compare it
to like just getting a drastically horrible haircut when you see the look on
someone’s face that knows you, and it’s like–
and they love you, and they’re like, “Yeah!”
And they’re trying to… – What did you do?
– I can’t imagine the look when you have a face tattoo
and they haven’t been told about it, and they just–
they probably just drop their head and just sigh
and just go, “I just need a second, man.” And you’re like, “What?
What is it? What’s wrong?” – I even get the neck tattoo
to some degree, but don’t get– – Sure.
– You know where your line is. Face for sure is definitely
a line for me. But I will even say… – I would say you can
tat it up to the top. – I’d say completely covered
neck is a also a line. I’m like that’s just–
It’s like you’re just a weird– It’s crazy looking. – It’s a turtleneck
made of skulls. That’s all that is.
– Yeah! – You’re still wearing
a turtleneck, but it’s permanent. – It’s a permanent
turtleneck of skulls! – Can you imagine?
I mean, that’s a great putdown before you get
beat to death in prison. “What’s up with your skull
turtleneck, dick?” And then you get
stomped to death. But you went out
pretty hilariously. – “It’s a white power thing,
it’s a white power thing!” – “Did you guys hear
what he said to Big Sleepy? “He said,
‘Fucking nice turtleneck.’ Fucking killed him, bro.” – They’d be laughing
for weeks, you’re a legend. – “Oh, my God, Big Sleepy
you do have a turtle– “You have a turtleneck of all
your dead homies, bro. Why the fuck you look so stupid?
He said, “Shut up!” – Matt, I like that Matt can
come in and accurately eye me up to see
that I would probably go with a turtleneck
of skulls, would be my sad choice. And then still be like
a pleasant nice guys that I am. And I’d be like,
“What does Jay have? What about his personality
says neck of skulls?” I’m like, “I don’t know.
Look neat, right?” – “Yeah, guys, it looks like
I have a whole– It looks like I have
skulls on my neck.” – The problem is I think
these guys like an Aaron Carter try to get a personality
to go with… – Oh, yeah.
– …face and neck tattoos. You know what I mean?
Like they’re– He’s got a big thing
with guns apparently. – Well, what I love
about Post Malone is he’s still kind of silly.
– Yeah. – Like he’s got face tattoos
and he’s like, “Oh, cool, man!” He’s kind of got like
a Pete Davidson thing about him, where he’s just like,
“Oh, that’s pretty sick.” – I just don’t know
what the fuck he is. – “I just wrong a fucking
dope-ass song.” I can’t describe
what he is at all. – Aaron Carter?
Broken mentally. – Post Malone.
– Oh, Post Malone. – I don’t know what he is.
– Post Malone– I feel like he can take off
all of his tattoos when he gets home,
and that’s who he really is. – Yeah, peel ’em right off. – And he goes, “Oof!”
He goes, “Oof!” – Yeah, he does like
the “American Psycho” peeling the thing off with all
the tattoos are attached to it. – Yeah.
– He has to put on a crazy fucking thing
every day, a mask. I mean, what a bizarre–
What is Tekashi69 gonna do when he’s
released from jail one day? I mean, he’s gotta hide
for the rest of his life. – He took– He did not take
protective custody. I think he turned down–
– No, he– protective custody– – No, he turned down
Witness Protection. – Are you sure Witness
Protection didn’t turn down him? – Probably.
– Because there’s no way that man blend in.
– Yeah. – Yeah, I think you’re right,
but is that the, uh… Is that what it is?
Look that up, Christina. I think that they–
Yeah, he turned– He has a private security team,
not Witness Protection. But, I mean, if you don’t go
in Witness Protection, there’s gonna be a lot
of attempts on–” I’m even saying there’s
gonna succeed, but for a while they’re gonna
try to fuckin’… – Well, it’s like how much– What’s the acceptable level
of anxiety in a person’s life? I mean, where you just have
a target on your head the rest of your–
They’re like– – Well, do you remember
Henry Hill? Henry Hill used to go
on Howard Stern all the time and just give his address
were he currently lives. – In Queens.
– And he would always just go, “Yeah, they’re all
dead anyw– or old men now. Like, no one– They don’t
even have like pull in the current mob,
the people that hated him. He was like, “So what difference
does it fucking make?” (coughs)
He’s kind of right, never– – No thanks
on Witness Protection 24/7 security’s fine by me. Oh, he’s saying
he doesn’t want it. He plans to do something
very un-snitch-like. All the snitching–
“Federal trial that saw “the rapper sing like a canary “for three days
wraps up Thursday. “Tekashi pointed fingers,
names names. “But sources
close to him tell us “he will forego
any participation “in Witness Protection
and will instead opt for a life of fame.”
Is he gonna be famous? I don’t think anyone’s
gonna fuck with him ’cause he’s a snitch.
– That’d be my thought. But I– then again I feel like so many of the hip-hop rules
just get changed all the time. – Yeah.
– I think, you know, like the older rappers
will definitely hate him, but it’s kind of like
to your point, Jay. I think maybe some of these
new rappers would be like, “I would’ve done
the same thing.” Like, who knows?
I don’t know. As much as I think he wouldn’t
have a career, I don’t know. – Yeah, I mean, but look at
that face took. Even what we caught right there.
I mean, that’s a lot. – You think he’s gonna come out
and make music again? – I don’t know.
I didn’t know he had Edward James Olmos face.
– Isabelle, you think so? – Look at his pock marks.
– He what? – He said he’s going to. – He said he’s gonna come out
and make music? – That’s why he said he’s not
going into witness protection. He’s getting 24-hour security.
– So just to make music? But who’s gonna fuck
with his music? – Who’s gonna buy his music?
– Yeah, that’s a good question. – I mean, the thing was that it
came out that he snitched, because like right before,
when he got beat up and, like, his chain got snatched,
it was like his gang. So he wasn’t gonna
go down for, like– – Oh, you’re saying
his own gang robbed him, so he was like, “Fuck you guys,
you’re gonna rob me…” – Yeah, and there was like–
they found like a whole thing, and they were like
planning on killing him. – Oh, really?
– Now where does that fall? Is that affiliated
with your gang, Isabella? – Now, you’re a– you’re
a 9 Trey Blood, right? You represent. I know you’re
out in the streets repping– I know you fuckin’ bang.
I know you bang hard. Jay knows. Jay knows.
I’ve seen you on Facebook. You don’t use the letter “C.”
Well, he’s fucked. He made a bunch
of bad decisions. – And now everyone knows
he’s talking, he’s gonna come out of jail. – Yeah, that 24-hour security
ain’t gonna work. – Yeah, you’re just
gonna get those guys killed. – I bet he– – How you gonna get somebody
to take the gig? – Do you guys wanna
take a death pool? Under three years?
Over, under? Three years out of. – He’s probably paying them
a ton of money. – How’s he gonna get money,
though? How’s he get money? – He’s still making money
’cause his songs are still like getting played. – I don’t think he’s making
that much money. – How much they gonna pay him
for 24-hour security? – Yeah, I don’t think he’s–
– Is that an option of him snitching on everybody,
is they are supplying him with 24-hour, like,
police security for the rest of his life? – I don’t think
they would do that. – Well, witness protection
costs– You have to set somebody up
for life anyway there. – Yeah, but I think
it’s probably cheaper to kind of like wipe their slate and get rid of
those tattoos and… I don’t know what
they do with ’em. But, you know,
just give ’em a disguise and put ’em somewhere working…
– (laughing) – Managing a Red Lobster
somewhere, I don’t know. Not that that’s what
they did with my uncle. Ah, it’s a long story. – He goes, “That Tekashi69?”
He goes, “No, it can’t be. “Tekashi69 didn’t have a nose attached to glasses
and a moustache.” – Impossible. He doesn’t
have a polish nose. – Yeah. Yeah, maybe if Groucho
Marx was his dad, right? No. Keep walking.
That’s not him. – You go, “Guys, I don’t wanna
be weird right now. “But see that guy refilling the
chocolate mocha at the buffet? I think that’s Tekashi69.” The guy with the blond wig? – You go over, he starts
snitching on people again. You go over, he goes,
“Are you Tekashi69?” He goes, “No, I’m not,
but I’ll tell you what, Milton’s definitely stealing
from the tip jar.” – They go, “Whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.” He goes, “Ashley didn’t cover
her shift and she said she did.” – I don’t know
who those people are. Who’s Milton? Who’s Ashley?
– He goes… – “Carl called in sick, and I
know for a fact he’s not sick.” – I went by his house late
at night. He was partying. – He was rockin’ out.
– Yeah. – He said he felt better
as the day went on, but everyone feels worse–
– I think he’s hung over. I really do.
– I heard he said he had diarrhea, and he just
went into the bathroom and sat on his phone. (fire crackling) – Auditioning for “SVU” was the craziest waiting room
I’ve ever been in, because it’s just guys were
there who kind of look like me. – Sure.
– Coming in for the role of this landlord. And the girl who gets killed,
I guess, who is like a stripper of
some sort or something in it… – So it’s burly dudes
and hot chicks? – Or gets raped or whatever.
No, and it was just smokin’ hot chicks who come
dressed for the part, and then they go in and… the door is right next
to where we’re all sitting. And you just hear ’em go,
they go, “Hey, it’s nice to meet you.
We’re calling in, uh… Cassie Johnson,” or whatever,
then they walk in. And they go, “Hi, it’s nice
to meet you,” and she goes, “Nice to meet you, too.”
He goes, “Okay, okay, come in.” And the door closes and you hear
like, “No, no– get– no! “No, hey, get your hands
off of me! “Please, no, God!
Oh, no! Oh, please! Oh, no! No, no, no!”
And then the door back open, and he goes, “Thank you,
that was fantastic.” She goes, “Thank you guys
so much for having me.” – “Oh, my God, make sure you say
hi to Clarissa for me. I haven’t seen her in forever.” You know know they kind of know
the casting agent sometimes. They go in, they go,
“Oh, my God, how is your dog! Do you have pictures?” – “I hope he gets better,
I hope– Oh, I’m so sorry… – “Shut the door and go.”
“You’re raping me! You’re raping me in my asshole!”
– No exaggeration. – And then they open
the door. “Anyways…” – Well, it was an exaggeration.
They did not say, “You’re raping me
in my asshole.” – Well, they need to write
better dialogue for those women. (laughter) – I gotta say, when we can
free up the language– – We’ll do “SVU: The Podcast”
when that comes out. They’ll be… saying that. – “Only on Audible.” – (laughter)
– “SVU Podcast.” But that was such a bizarre– And they all come
dressed like… – Mm-hmm.
– Decked out like hookers. Or strippers– it’s so weird.
– Yeah. I just showed up
in my clothes, like, “I pictured he would dress
a lot like me, this guy.” – Yeah. I picture…
– (laughter) – I picture he’s a guy that has a lot of similar
clean laundry to me. – I dress like a shitty
landlord, I realized, so… – Yeah.
– Ya shoulda been in a bathrobe. – I go, “Why break something
that’s not broken?” You know what I mean?
– You go, “Can you please address me as the landlord?
I came dressed.” – I do miss kind of being
in a roomful of people, like, for some random commercial,
and the guy comes dressed too exactly like the person.
– Yeah. – And then we all laugh at him. “Like, I’m sorry,
man, I can’t, uh… “You’re dressed just like
a blackjack dealer. Where’s that outfit from?”
– Yeah, exactly, or a monocle. He’s wearing a monocle.
– “Where did you get that?” – There’s one where a guy walked
in in full O.R. scrubs. – Oh, yeah?
– We were supposed to play, like, an orderly,
and he came in O.R. scrubs. And you’re like,
“What are you doing, dude? ” – That person, I mean,
you want to really– That’s the adult version
of you wanna bully him. You want to hang him
in a locker. – Yes, that’s exactly it. – When he comes all
dorked out like that… – Oh, did you do your homework,
you fuckin’ dork? – I’m telling you,
a guy walked in with full blackjack dealer regalia…
– “Well, it’s a period piece.” – …and we just started
laughing, and I’m like, “Man, I don’t– I can’t
help but laugh, I’m sorry. – You know what
you should have done? You should have gone like this,
right when he walks in, you should have gone…
– Clap-clap, up and down. – Yeah. And for that reason,
I’m out. – And that’s it.
– He goes, “Thank you guys very much, I’ve been Matt.
This guy’s…” – “Change dealers.”
– “Enjoy Karen.” – “This guy’s a fuckin’ dork,
and I’ll see you guys later. – “Scott, the pit boss.
Wanna cash me out?” – You come in and he goes,
“Well, this is a period piece vampire film.”
He goes, “Well, I don’t have any ruffles and velvet suits
at home.” – Oh, cool! That you have
something from the gilded age. – One of the first times
I went in for a commercial, I walked in and there’s this
really attractive woman with a clipboard,
and I was like, “Yeah, I’m here
for the audition.” She says, “What’s your name?”
And I was like, “Matt Braunger.” She goes,
“Oh, yeah, let me look. You’re here for the role
of Unattractive Man.” – Ohh.
– And it just broke my heart, but then I just
laughed my ass off, and then it became
the best hour of my life watching every other guy walk in
and get told that. – Told the same thing.
– And seeing the different reactions, yeah.
– I’ve really, uh, I said I won’t go out for
auditions anymore that, when you read them, it’s like,
“Slovenly but sweet.” – Yeah.
– Always something like that. He goes, “Sweaty, gross,
has tits… can’t get laid. But a heart of gold.”
– “Like if a fart had skin.” – (laughing)
– I don’t know what that means. What do you mean,
“Like if a fart had skin”? – “A forgotten ghost
of a sack of shit. But nice.”
– Yeah. – (laughing) If– If–
If a turd had a soul… – Yeah, what does that mean?
– This guy. – I’m sorry,
what does that mean? If a bloody dog dump had eyes.
And you go, “What’s up?” – And you go, “Yeah, I don’t
think I wanna read for this,” and then your manager goes like, “Well, they asked for you
– That kind of hurts even more. – I think they had you mind.
– It’s all of that that we said, and at the end, “You know,
a Big Jay Oakerson type.” That’s at the end
of all that shit. “Fuck you guys.” – How many stories do you know? I know Ben Bailey,
like one or two peop– Artie Lange, I think, just told
us on Legion of Skanks the other day about someone
going and not getting a role that in the description
says a type of them. – That happens all the time.
– Yeah? – Yeah, uh, who– fuck.
Yeah, um… I know two people who’ve had to
audition to play themselves. – Crazy.
– And, uh… and then– – Oh, I did.
I did for, uh, “Crashing.” – “Crashing,” yeah.
– Jesus Christ. – Yeah. I was auditioning
to play myself. And, I mean, I got it,
but what was more funny was the people who didn’t. Like Greer Barnes I think
sort of plays Kurt, I think it was.
– Yeah. – Or something like that.
– Oh, that’s funny. – And someone is Joe DeRosa. – ♪ I love the cocaine,
I love the cocaine ♪ – (Joe DeRosa laughing)
– That’s Joe DeRosa. – Yeah. Yes, it is.
– The hyena. – The hyena.
– He’s around. – But, um…
– He’s always up in the hills. – Yeah, I–
– Mocking us. – Ever since I, uh…
was gonna audition for something that was like
taking my shirt– I took– You know, I told you this story
a thousand times. Being shirtless and painted
green for a Halls commercial that never came out.
– Phew. – And I just got sunburned,
and the giant “S” that was in my own skin color…
– Ohh. – …from being painted green.
– Phew. – And shirtless all day outside,
and sweating. Fat. – How much– How good
was that money, though? – Session fee.
It never aired. – Yeah. I had one of those.
– 300-some bucks. And the guys, the actors
that were on the thing also, were like, “Dude,
you’re about to have the best year of your life.”
And I’m like, “Why?” He goes, “This is like
a campaign that keeps running.” He goes, “This might be a Super
Bowl commercial for all we know. We have no idea, like,
it’s a football-themed thing.” And you’re gettin’ goosed up.
And he goes, “Dude, I did the one last year.” – “$48,000 by the end
of the month.” And you’re like…
– No, no, but I– It wasn’t anything like that,
but he was like, “You’re gonna have a good year.” These are actors who
aren’t making a lot of money. So he goes, “I made 70 last year
of this commercial.” Like 70, which was like,
if you told me also on top of what I’m making,
which is little to nothing… – Mm-hmm.
– If I was making $30,000 in comedy, maybe. And you’re telling me $70,000,
I’m going to $100,000, yo, it would’ve been huge. And then it never aired,
and I just got that sunburn. – Joe List did
a Captain Morgan’s commercial. And when he got it,
we were all like, “Pff, you’re buying drinks
for the next five years.” And then it aired like during
the World Baseball Classic. – Like once?
– Yeah. – Just come out once.
What was the one you had? – It was a Progressive
Insurance ad or something, one of the big ones
like Prudential or something, and I was on top
of a crushed car on like crutches,
dancing around, with like a–
like bandages on my head. And it was a– and it was, um– What the fuck
is the sports announcer? God dammit.
– Chris Berman? – The one with the–
I’m blanking. He has white hair, um… – Pat Summerall.
– Yes? I think. – Football announcer?
– Yes. – Pat Summerall, for sure.
– I think so. – John Madden or Pat Summerall?
– Wasn’t John Madden. – Probably Pat Summerall.
– But, uh, and then I was like, “Okay, great, we got
a celebrity and everything.” But they focus-grouped it,
and it’s like, “Hmm… he’s injured
and he’s dancing. I don’t like it,
it makes me feel weird.” And they just– I just
got a letter in the mail that it’ll never air.
– Ohh… – I was like…
I thought it was that. It was like had a famous guy,
you know, it was a campaign that they’re gonna run–
– Cancel culture, man. – Everyone’s gettin’
canceled, dude. – On a tiny level.
– The woke people came out, and they were like, “No.” – “I don’t like
he’s dancing, and injured.” – “I twisted my ankle once,
and I wouldn’t dance. “No matter how many times
they asked. It was my own wedding,
so I would know.” – As someone with bad ankles… – “I was sad.”
– “I’m offended.” – “When I hurt my ankle,
I was sad. I was not dancing.” – “And I did not see myself
represented as a sad person.” – “I did not gloat on top
of a broken car.” ♪ I love the cocaine,
I love the cocaine ♪ – What was your– you know,
I had the audition before I came here,
the one day. Remember where I just ate shit
with impressions, and then– then I got lost– then I got
lost in the hallways. – Ugh.
– I had to ask for my way out. – The worst one was I did, um… I think it was for either–
I think it was “Bad Grandpa,” with De Niro.
– Yeah. – You know that movie?
– And, uh, Adam… – Zac Efron, right?
– I was in L.A. We were in L.A. doing shows.
– This is Zac Efron? – I swore I told
this story on this show, but I went in and fuckin’
ate it so hard, that the lady was like, “Do you
wanna go out in the lobby and then come back in?” – Wow.
– Ohh… – And I was like, “Yeah.” And then I came back in
and fucked it up again, and I was like, “I don’t like
this and I wanna go home.” And I remember going out to my
car in L.A. and just being like, “L.A. sucks!”
– Dude, I walked out– – By the way, 100% my fault.
I completely fucked up. – So me with the impressions,
but as I was walking out, I remember I was like,
“It was terrible.” And she goes, “No, it wasn’t
bad,” I go, “It was!” And I just left.
– Oh, this lady… This lady did not
pull any punches. – And I got lost in
the hallways. – I just go, “I’m so sorry.” – And she goes,
“Thanks for coming in.” And you’re like… (scoffs) – Ooh.
– Ugh. Yeah. Oh, fuck, I hate that. – ♪ I love the cocaine ♪ – I’d rather know
that I’m not getting it right when I walk in…
– Yeah. – Yeah! Oh, I had one, I– Between like 10 years ago
and now, I lost like 40 pounds
or something. And I went to the casting lady
that hadn’t seen me in a while, and like I went in for this,
I don’t know, a fatter guy or something, and she goes,
“Aww… You’re– You’re–
But you’re cute.” Her words.
I was like, “Thanks.” And she goes,
“Do you still wanna read?” Like, well then,
what the f– Why? You just told
me there’s no chance. – What the fuck are you–
– Why waste our time with this? – Yeah.
– Well, I’ll tell you what they had me do for
that Wu Tang show that we’re watching on Hulu, that was like,
I went in to read for something else, and they pulled the, uh…
they were like, “Oh, maybe you wanna read
for this– “We’re doing like
a Wu Tang series for Hulu. And you might wanna read
for a part for that.” I was like, “Hell yeah.
That’d be great.” And they give me the part,
and it’s just the N-word. Is the only thing
I was gonna say. – What?
– And I was like, “Okay.” And then I was like–
And they were like, “Are you okay reading it?”
I go, “Are you okay
with me reading it?” It’s fine with me to read it.
Are you cool?” – I’ll blast off right now.
– Yeah, and they were like, “No, it’s fine.”
And that was just, there’s another audition of me just dropping an N-bomb
for nothing. – Brooks Wheelan wrote that–
he wrote a sketch for “SNL” when he was on there about
what it’s like, the white people auditioning
for “12 Years a Slave.” And it’s just– and it’s just
actors getting the sides and going, “Ohh… um, what?”
And everyone behind the camera is black, and they’re like,
“Just go ahead. Just inhabit the character.”
– (laughter) – And it was the same thing,
where you go in for one thing and they’re like, “Can you try
this? Wanna hear you–” – Yeah, “I wanna
hear you really–” We’re casting a thing of a mean,
mean, white supremacist guy. If you could just read that.”
– “Ooh, you know what? “This one rapes
handicapped children. Can you ready that?”
– “Without thinking quickly, we’d like to record you
saying some very vile things.” – “Just say this, and again, “I want you to really
lean in on this. Like, you believe this.
This man’s a bad person.” – “Take some time to prep.
Be clunky with it.” – “And if you could, actually,
invoke a lot of yourself in it.” – “Can you take an hour
and get off book? Can you memorize these lines?”
– “I want you to say it looking like you’re just walking down
the street and said it to me.” – “Yeah, like it’s
coming from your heart.” – “And know, you want this part, convince me you believe
those things on that paper.” – It’s funny when you see
another comic auditioning, you know, and you’re
both same thing, and then their audition takes
way longer than your audition. – Oh, yeah, they’re
in there forever, and then you’re
in and out in three seconds. – They come out arms around
everybody in the room. “Ohh… I hate to see you go,
but, you know…” – Swear to God. – “I guess we technically
have to take everybody, so…” – “We got a Ray Dokers.
I don’t know. He’s after you.” – (laughing) Ray Doker.
I don’t read. I can’t read this gibberish.
– When they just give you nothing,
when they just give you no– Like, it was for
Pete Davidson’s movie… – Where they send you ri– when
the person goes long before you. – That’s what it was.
– And then when you’re getting knocked out
nice and quick. – Dude, mine was like–
the audition, it took her a while, and she
auditioned, and then like, no joke, the door
opening for her, they’re like, “Heeeey!”
– Yeah. – And then the door leaving
for her, they go, “Aww…” – “Oh, you have to leave?”
– It was so long, and then– – “I have to leave, guys.”
– And in my head, I was like, “Well, I’ll probably get
a similarly warm reception.” And I open the door,
and they’re like, “Hi. Dan?” And you’re like, “Yeah.”
– Yeah. – Have you ever–
– And then I just did two runs, and they’re like, “That’s
enough.” And I was like… – Have you ever acted in a thing
where somebody working on it… Like, you’re not an important
piece of the acting… but somebody working on it
is a fan of your comedy, and they’re sup– I’ve had
that specific thing before. And they’re really, like, can’t believe the way
you’re being treated because they think you’re
something bigger than you are. – Yes.
– “Dude, they’re making “Big Jay Oakerson
report to set himself? They didn’t send you a car?”
And you’re like… “They did not send me a car.”
– (laughing) – “Like, damn, man!
They don’t even know.” And he’s like telling other
people who don’t give a shit. They’re like, “Great.” – “What are you doing
on the bus, man? I’m listening to your album
right now.” You go, “Yeah, I’m going
to work the road.” – (chuckling) What do you do?
That’s fuckin’ awkward as shit. – “What the fuck
are you doing here? I’m a fan, I’m an actual
fan of your work.” – I did a sketch on, what was
it, Seth Meyers? I forget what it was, but
it was one of those, you know, it’s just like, in the bulk of
people, I was just gonna be one of the few featured,
like, uh… like saying something
in this sketch. It was like a, you know,
prerecorded sketch. – Sure.
– Mm-hmm. – And I was one of the few
people saying some things. But I was just like
the bulk of the extras, and everybody was getting
transported in the same thing to a location to film it. Be like, “How they
keeping you in here with all these extras
and shit?” And you’re like,
“Please stop making…” – Please stop doing this.
– Yeah. You’re making me feel shitty. – Yeah, you’re not helping.
– I’m totally okay. – It’s like that friend who,
like, is– you know, like how your mom
or somebody’ll be like, “Why aren’t you on ‘SNL’?”
– Yeah. – “I don’t like anyone
on there.” You know, your
little biased mom. Or you’re at that like–
the friend I grew up with, who is just like, “Hey what
happened with that show idea you told me
like five years ago?” I’m like, “What do you think
happened with it, man? It didn’t go anywhere.
I’ve pitched it everywhere.” And he goes, “What the–
They passed? Dude, that is bullshit.” – And it’s like,
“Man, I’ve gotten over it. It didn’t stop.
Could you let it go?” – He goes, “You guys, you spent
years writing that thing.” – You worked so hard!
For nothing, Dan? – The worst–
– For nothing? – Absolutely nothing!
– So you got nothing out of it? And you wanna go, “You fuckin’
work at Home Depot, man. Why don’t you shut up?”
– The one that hurts more than that is when your
friends you grew up with see you do standup,
and they’re like, “You’re gettin’ pretty good.”
– Yeah! (laughing) – “I’ve been doing this for
15 years,” and they’re like… – They’re like, “Man, you’ll
never get those hours back!” – And they go like this– no,
but they always go like this. They go, “I always thought
you were like super funny “off stage, so it’s
just like, you know. I guess it’s like kind of…”
– “Yeah, I feel like you’re funnier off stage, man, still.”
– Yeah. – “Still.”
– “Remember when we were stoned “in the woods? God, you were
killin’ around that campfire. “If you could get that way,
you know, in front of 200 people that don’t know you,
that’d be better.” – You gotta learn how to bring
that… to that. – Dude, that’s most
of my friends. – Has your manager
told you that? Have they been out stoned in
the wood with you like I have? – Oh, hi. Didn’t see you
come in there. I’m Dan Soder. – I’m Big Jay Oakerson.
– We’re from the Bonfire on Comedy Central Radio,
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