Sabrina Benaim – "Explaining My Depression to My Mother"

explaining my depression to my mother a conversation mom my depression is a shapeshifter one day it is as small as a firefly in the palm of a bear the next it's the bear on those days I play dead until the bear leaves me alone I call the bad days the dark days mom says try lighting candles when I see a candle I see the flesh of a church the flicker of the flame sparks of a memory younger than noon I am standing beside her open casket it is the moment I learn every person I ever come to know will someday die besides mom I'm not afraid of the dark perhaps that's part of the problem mom says I thought the problem was that you can't get out of bed I can't anxiety holds me a hostage inside of my house inside of my head mom says where did anxiety come from anxiety is the cousin visiting from out of town depression felt obligated to bring to the party mom I am the party only I am a party I don't want to be at mom says why don't you try going to actual parties see your friends sure I make plans I make plans but I don't want to go I make plans because I know I should want to go I know sometimes I would have wanted to go it's just not that much fun having fun when you don't want to have fun mom you see mom each night insomnia sweeps me up in his arms dips me in the kitchen in the small glow of the stove light insomnia has this Muro Mantic way of making the moon feel like perfect company mom says try counting sheep but my mind can only count reasons to stay awake so I go for walks but my stuttering kneecaps Clank like silver spoons held in strong arms with loose wrists they ring in my ears like clumsy church bells reminding me I am sleepwalking on an ocean of happiness I cannot baptize myself in mom says happy decision but my happy is as hollow as a pinprick egg my happy is a high fever that will break mom says I am so good I'm making something out of nothing and then flat out asked me if I am afraid of dying no I am afraid of living mom I am lonely I think I learned that when dad left how to turn the anger into lonely the lonely into busy so when I tell you I've been super busy lately I mean I've been falling asleep watching SportsCenter on the couch to avoid confronting the empty side of my bed but my depression always drags me back to my bed until my bones are the Forgotten fossils of a skeleton sunken city my mouth a boneyard of teeth broken from biting down on themselves the hollow auditorium of my chest swoons with echos of a heartbeat but I am a careless tourist here I will never truly know everywhere I have been mom still doesn't understand mom can't you see the neither can I

41 thoughts on “Sabrina Benaim – "Explaining My Depression to My Mother"

  1. Her body language explains it all. Her stutterers and shaking is anxiety, you can see the emotion in her face, the way her lips curl and how she is moving like a “robot”. You can also see the dry tear marks on her cheeks, and the way she moves her arms. She is brave to do something as bold as this, and I applaud her for this.

  2. No one will ever understand wat ppl with depression feel. Unless they experience it themselves. Hell sometimes I don't know how I feel.

  3. I watched this video for what seemed like a terribly long time ago and couldn't believe how amazingly written and performed it was.

    I recently came across it again on my youtube feed and realised how absolutely mesmerizing this video truly is, it has come into my life at two key times when i really needed it. Poetry is always there for you, even when u aren't looking for it.

  4. The reason I came here to watch this was because my mom made me upset just recently. And this video explains a lot of what I'm feeling and I know watching depressing videos probably wouldn't help but it does. I cant exactly explain how but it's because it helps me cope. And I'm sitting here feeling like a maniac talking to myself because I have no one else to talk to that will understand. I've had a talk almost exactly like this with my mom and I'm just a kid. I just want to be happy.

  5. I have seen this poem so so many times, and it still gets to me each time. Sabrina Benaim, you’re wonderful. This poem is wonderful. I don’t know how you do this, put it into words like that but I’m so so grateful you exist. There will never be a better performance than this.
    Sending you and all the other people feeling relatable after watching this poem, loads of love and strength
    We are all in this together.❤️

  6. When I tell you I cried my eyes out for my mother till this day does not know that I struggle with depression and suicidal thoughts ! 😭😭😭😭even tho we live in the same house

  7. I Watch this everytime I feel melancholic and sad but not enough to burst into tears. This gives me the drop and I can finally let it all out

  8. Why don’t moms get what some of us go threw? Oh I forgot, because there actually HAPPY

    Unlike us….there children
    The one thing they love most in the world and they still can’t understand what you go threw

    Life is hard when moms think the devel child is better then the angle child
    I am the angle my sister is the devel. It’s hard for me when I have anger issues and when I do nothing and she started kicking me when I sit down?! That just pushes me to where I turn around and yell at her. What’s that do ?

    But mom she..

    It’s hard because I have nobody to talk to and I wish that my life could end..sometimes

    But then when I sit there and think

    Should I kill myself? Would it help?
    Do my prays work at all? Am I even meant to be here?

    I try so hard at the moments that give me nothing to work with.. My friend tells me to roll it off my back.. you can’t just roll it off your back you say that but then you walk over there and just won’t let go

    I want therapy but I don’t wanna talk to my mom or dad about it…

    Thank you for listening if you are down here 😀😭❤️❤️

  9. Oh nice eyebrow moves. Love those facial expressions. I love this poem.

    I know I'm late but I just wanted to go look for the original video which is this.

  10. "Mom says where did anxiety come from" Mother..dear mother you make me happy but not happy enough anxiety is school anxiety is the people who talk to me to convince me I'm not good enough…you suggest me to go hangout with kate or katie or someone but that's the thing I'm not telling you of what their making me go through because I'm not good enough….I'M NOT skinny enough I'm not Ritch enough…..I'm sorry that I'm not a spoiled brat I'm sorry that I haven't rapped to you befor I'm sorry I'm not good enough…….PEOPLE CALL LESBIAN MOM….I'M NOT….that's the hard thing dad's homophobic mom….he won't love me if I'm bi I can't love who I do love…I can't be with the people who welcome me most….boys are easier to talk to mom……I like to wear boy clothes mom…..I like boy haircuts mom…..why can't I be who I want to be….I kinda gave it away mom the other day when we were shopping…I saw a pride shirt (it had rainbow on it) I really loved it but when I was looking at it secretly u saw me ….u gave me a weird look why?…..I talk about all these gay people in my class to you because I'm trying to give a hint to you that I'm bi but how do I come out to my parents if I can't come out to my friends because of anxiety and depression…

    Mom…anxiety is my life it controls me…

  11. Mum says I am so good at making something out of nothing then flat out asks me if I am afraid of dying, no! I am afraid of living! Mum I'm lonely!!!

  12. I'm late, but her line about what she means when she says she's been really busy is…heartbreaking because it's so true. I'm never busy; it's just that depression is the bear for a few days, weeks, or months.

  13. reading all these comments about how much people’s mother don’t understand them and reading their experience is so heartbreaking and no one deserves to go through something like that i know it’s hard to talk about stuff when this is what you get from them because this happened to me too and my mom didn’t believe me she said why would i feel so sad if nothing was wrong she was giving me all but she didn’t understand until i broke and i ended up hospitalized for a while and then my parents realized i was trying to ask for help and it hurts me because me trying to commit suicide is what it took for them to believe me i hope you guys can get the help you need i know it’s hard but stay strong

  14. I really don’t know what to do anymore. She hit home really hard, each word having a stronger impact on me. My realization just finally came in, I’m suffering from depression. Wow, this girl can explain this to me but my doctor can’t?

  15. I first watched this video 4 years ago, I cried but still didn’t quite understand the meaning. Today I watched it again. Each day I understand a little more. I no longer cry.

  16. Due to my depression I rarely ever am able to cry but this one got me bursting into tears… amazingly written & performed

  17. I have ADHD, Autism-Spectrum Disorder (Aspergers incase u wanted to know what kind), and Depression. Life is a living hell

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