Milton Berle 480302 Salute to Literature, Old Time Radio

Jamia presents the Milton Berle show makes no mistake of all leading cigarettes Philip Ellis and only Philip Morris is recognized by eminent nose and throat specialists as definitely less irritating no other cigarette can make that statement Radio City of New York here is the Milton Berle show with her accountant Jack Albertson Barry ship Billy Sam Johnny Gibson Charlie urban our Z star Z car near a rockin is all concerned yours truly ladies and gentlemen more for Milton Berle tonight ladies and gentlemen we salute literature in recognition of Milton Berle's book out of my trunk which last week appeared in a new Pocket Edition for 25 cents this again proves that Berle is just a two-bit comedian till he hears Milton Berle fighting billows down tonight thank you thank you and good evening ladies young mr. Gallup did you I'm a two-bit comedian me Milty Fort Knox Berle well I made so much money out of comedy if I decide not to pay my income tax this year no marshal plan but my book mr. Gallup is dynamite it's called out of my trunk my trunk it's really a hope chest all of hopes jokes I would say the book is corny but every time you read it near a fireplace the book pops but my book I want a hole coming mother oh it's you mr. Gallup I'm sorry I didn't see you the microphone was in the way you're such a thin one ah mr. Gallup you look like a man of distinction who switched to vanishing cream really oh I love that voice sounds like the last buzz that dentist gives you before he hits the nerve mr. Gallup before before tonight before you make any crude remarks have you read my book no burl I'm waiting for the English translation Oh clever miss de galis my next book that I'm going to write is going to be about you I'm gonna call it yes you I'm gonna call it the rise and fall of a certain thin wax effaced announcer who heckled a certain lovable comedian once too often and suddenly found himself back announcing the symphonies for long hairs for short dough or goodbye Sam Burrell you have the audacity to threaten me you who are hanging on to this job only because Phillip thinks Morris hired you and Morris thinks Philippa now look mr. Gallup please you're on look mr. Gallup once they get together and compare notes goodbye I know why that pause was there please but I want to tell you don't want to tell me like whistlers mother what does he do want to say mistake I say there's only one thing that could save this program that should put you in the store windows and let Johnny tell the jokes Johnny tells jokes Johnny tells jokes mr. galavan did you hear something was there some talk around the office small little but who's worried yeah who's worried I'm worried you're just jealous mr. Gallup just because I've had my book published jealous yes my father back in Boston dabbled in publishing he dabbled in it yes it was the old boys Harper yeah he printed innumerable books for the fashionable Bostonian gentleman he did what books one was called new methods in whipping your Vallot there was another one 16 ways to start your Dicky get the whistle back how did your father do well after all the printing books like that takes money so so dad began printing money your father printed money bales of it until that tragic day when the blow fell what happened father found out that the government was doing the same thing oh well it must have been a shock no it was and that's when dad turned Republican no kidding I remember when they carried them away he was still shouting how long is government going to interfere with private enterprise Vista gallop you have a beautiful tail there and if you wear your coat long enough no one will notice it so nippy mr. Gallup you told the story did you not about your family involved and I too have a story cube it's a beautiful story of how my book came to be published I never forget that day I was called into the office of a big publisher anxiously I opened the door and said hello mr. Clyde I received Berle they brought me the manuscript of your book I'm publishing it yeah I didn't even read it but I'm publishing it you know why because I like you I like the book I like your style kill me I like you watch it gee mr. Clyde oh thank you I like doing things for people I like you either like a person or you don't like them you I like I'm like that well I know have you our brother yes tell him I like him too I'll tell my brother wait be careful don't let him get the idea I like him more than I like you know I like him but I only like him because he's your brother and I like you yeah well that's good now about the book we're printing a hundred thousand copies found and simulated beaver bored and why why am i doing this why because I like you alright I like it a miniature walk-in I like you more by the minute what time is it 3 o'clock 3 o'clock I'm crazy about you well the book was published in the year later I was calling to mr. Clyde's office again I opened the door where have you been the books only been out a year and we've already sold four copies I know my mother bought three of them and I bought the other one I don't have to tell you why no but I will I like you there I've said well thanks but why did you call me well I'm putting out your book in a new edition with pictures with pitch you are I was about to publish a book by some new writer named Ernest Hemingway but I throw it out you know why why cuz I don't like him I like you I know you like me you know yeah who told you you did I'm glad I've been meeting to tell you I like you well thanks very much Earl with the pictures I'm putting in your book it'll be bigger than Tom Swift and his electric hockey stick well gee and when you're up there on top just remember one thing what I like you but II I yeah I don't know what to say say you like me I like you I like you too I like you too you're not saying you like me just cuz I like you no no I really like you you're just saying that to make me feel good no I like you you like me now who knows about tomorrow I like you I'll bet behind my back I like you too laughter all I've done for you I like you yes mr. Clyde was right my book with pictures into where a pig was a big success to this day he is still selling my book and he says I'm a friend if you'll just step into this doorway I have here under my coat a book filled with snappy our pictures guarantee thank you thank you are mr. Gallup it is in literature that our fondest memories of romance are preserved when you walk hand-in-hand with that one and only girl as you sang if they asked me I could write a book about the way you walk and with all right have it go away Cinthia Cinthia golden memories of my Cynthia I always wanted to write a book about you Cynthia but someone beat me to it he wrote the Hound of Baskerville Cynthia my literary lion you were voted president of the schnook of the Month Club simple Cynthia all that publicity didn't turn your head I didn't mind I liked it on backwards it on backwards must be people out there I see them leaving oh let me sit out there you come up there how excited you've got Cynthia when you heard the rumor that they were going to make the Sears Roebuck catalog into a picture they wanted you to star in the harness section both loving Cynthia you even used to read while crossing the street in one day fine you went down a manhole and you refused to come out there was a man down there Cynthia my darling you were lovely you were the flower of my heart too bad you went to pot it was the cute little things I remember about you Cynthia the crumbs you'd leave when you ate calibration in bed okay kinda erosion and by your tinkling little laugh that night graziano followed you at the garden I think I'll quit while I'm even guests in here I could write a book then the world discovers as my book ends how to make and now is ken roberts – you have been smoking for years and – you are just beginning to smoke the word you're about to hear are the most important the most authoritative words you've ever heard about cigarettes but these words are written by one of America's top ranking doctors and eminent nose and throat specialist who knows the scientific facts about smoking listen to what the doctor had to say there is no doubt in my mind that Philip Morris cigarettes are much less irritating than other cigarettes and now listen to the doctors conclusion we would be neglecting our patients who smoke if we did not suggest that they smoke Philip Morris remember if your cigarette leaves your throat dry and parched if it makes you cough or leaves a stale musty taste in your mouth these definitely are reasons for a change – Philip Morris so join the thousands who every day are joining the millions who have already discovered that a change to Philip Morris is a change to a better cigarette a finer cigarette a cigarette of proved superiority remember of all leading cigarettes the superiority of Philip Morris and only Philip Morris is recognized by eminent nose and throat specialists no other cigarette can make that statement that was supposed to be a great day coming Montagna manuia a minor yes but there was only two hours played played by ray black and the Philip Morris darkest in wonderful ray you really keep things rolling you should with those crapshooters in your band but let us continue now our salute to literature as we present literature forum tonight literature forum tonight the question should Milton Berle devote more time to write or should he first learn how to read thank you very much King baguette and now let us have questions from our audience all right let's start let's start with this young man in the first roll with the bicycle pump blowing up his little brother what is your name my name is Chiang kai-shek Chiang kai-shek what are you so surprised dick the boy's name I know don't confuse me with the one from China I would his wife's name is Maddie Chang my wife's got an American name let's see what's your wife's name everything all right Chang you have you have a question about literature I had a question about literature would I go to you while I write a question about literature I'd rather go to Lassie but what if I use me as a stooge for that broken-down book of yours I want that book you must have written some of those churches and farming fluids fandom Boston as though that every standby anyway you die on the last page now please we must prime maintain order alright let's hear from the ladies in our audience this this lady in the aisle holding her mouth under that leaky container of pickled herring the young lady what is your name I see you are and and you have a question that has to do with literature yeah how can I stop my husband from being such a book lame yes to be known as bright eyes now he's your husband reads a lot desi he's always got his nose in a book he's a he's always got a nose and abort it keeps it there to remember its play intelligence star was reading a mystery books at night they give him goose pimples he gets goose pimples like sleeping next to attack a ping pong ball I am the fat the lazy China reader he likes to curl up with a book and pain the pages with his big toe he turns the pages with his big toe yeah he wets it by dipping in it in a cup of tape why he bagged a fake last week for the first time in 17 years you read of love stories it had such an effect on I may come over and give me a big kiss he gave you a kiss yeah it was the first time in 17 years for me to thank you very much mr. speedy and now as a highlight to our forum on literature may we present one America's favorite office his stories of swashbuckling blood tingling adventure are written from his own experiences as a two-fisted brawny hero is none other then that same big tex feather filled ladies and gentlemen mr. Tex feather feel thank you I welcome with my laboratory if occasionally the many leaders of my book whoo laughs will then see my picture in the front and laugh even harder when they see me in the back tell us tell us accuse me mr. Berle would you hold me up against the microphone I'm dragging what's wrong oh I had a terrible shock this afternoon the coroner asked me to come down and identify a body was terrible a friend know me mr. feather veer may I ask you as a writer I understand that you travel all over the world seeking adventure how about that just returns the Malayan hunting trip in Africa Frank buck and his brother saved my life Frank buck and his brother saved your life yes a lion attacked me and they just said scat and the lion did no kidding yes you see this was a very poor lion he'd do anything for two bucks which I had that one mr. Pettifer as a writer of adventure stories I'll bet the way that you met your wife was romantic who I was cruising the South Seas one day the lookout spotted an island and yelled land home your wife was on the island my wife was the I Oh your wife's pad I gather my wife got that you've given up trying together that one's a two-time loser you know mr. mr. feather field as a writer of many romances what is your advice to the young man who wants to get married he should first examine his financial situation he should examine the girl's character then he should examine the housing situation yeah after that if he still wants to get married yeah he should have his head examined thank you very much mr. feather pillow [Applause] sonic pani to sing love so terrific such chiffon the feeling makes you wanna cuddle and clean makes us had a manhole makes you kinda temple a terrific thing love so prolific shames ahead a really makes you wanna giggle and sing makes a sigh and wonder he – just like Thunder out terrific thing life rearranges suddenly changes everything strange as it can be and we gets lazy then you go crazy wow look what it's done to me love is so terrific son it is the building makes you hear the wedding bells ring collar makes you wanna holler out terrific thing life rearranges suddenly changes everything strains as it can be Emre gets hazy they were crazy Wow look what he's done to me love is so terrific such it is availing makes it hear the wedding bells ring else the way a caller makes you wanna holler I'll check the replay Oh terrific thing wonderful ah I had a voice like that I I couldn't sing in vaudeville and I really couldn't I was too sentimental every time I open my mouth to sing I get all choked up then I found out what the cause was the managers fist was down my throat but mr. gallant let's get back to our subject of literature yes Berle and it just so happens I have an amusing experience to relate yes it's very funny [Laughter] let's hear oh no no it's too funny it would break the mood of this program oh that's clever now get off the nest and let me cackle for a while mr. gala let me tell you what happened to me about a year ago in a public library I'd been missing a lot of good books Bob Sylvester's book rough sketch arch of triumph mortals wonderful books then I heard a guy at the Friars Club reading inside USA he was reading it out loud to the Ritz brothers so one afternoon I dropped in at the free public library to pick up a copy of inside USA boy a free public library and get a lot of all those books looks like my job file is the desk I say miss I'd like a book my dick a book a book a book two covers with pages you'll have to leave sir you're making too much noise according to rule 16 library users must maintain absolute quiet sorry I just come in look all I want is a book inside USA by John Gunther yes sir it's right here on our current book rack here you are thank you I'll take it along goodbye one moment please you'll have to check the book out who is it for amberle 562 West End Avenue are you mr. Berle no I'm Harry Truman Harry Truman TR you hold it hold it look the name is pearl and I'm not listed here oh you haven't a library card what's a library you have to have a card okay then give me a card I can play along with a gag you have to fill out this form two of these six of these in triplicate forms all I want is a book not a personal loan me a week to fill those out you're too noisy I'll take it easy give me the forms miss I've only lived in this city two weeks but a gozar the rules you've been here two weeks yeah well then these forms are necessary for fine and I'll just take that I'm sorry sir according to rule 17 a miss do I get a book you can obtain a library card by having this form signed by a property owner or being a property owner yourself or if your name is listed in the telephone directory or a 16 character witnesses vouch for you all I want to do is read a book I'm not running with Wallace those are the rules those are the rules yeah well let me tell you I know I'm making too much noise okay I'm leaving but I'll be back I'll beat the system if it takes me ten years how do you do man anything I can do for you sir oh no no nothing remember me burl the guy who couldn't take out the book the public library is available to all rich and poor well and six oh yeah yeah yeah but I come in to tell you I now have a telephone it was a tough job getting one I had to tell him I was a bookie I have my card alive regard yeah this you said if I had a telephone I can have a car yes sir what was the name amberle 562 West End Avenue one moment mr. barrel I'll check the book is inside USA by John gun who I'm sorry mister borough but your name isn't listed in the telephone directory sure isn't I just got the phone yesterday rule 45 safe you must be listed in the telephone directory have a property owner sign oh I'll be back you'll watch I'll be back [Laughter] hello anything you wish sir no nothing much just browsing around shut up sort of dropped in for a book you don't mind do you the public library is available to all rich and poor by the way I took care of that little matter of having a property on a sign this form for me mr. ed Biglow lives next door I'll check that yeah do that central office a check on property owner a Bigelow West End Avenue by the way the book is inside USA by John Gunther yes yes thank you do I get the library card here or at the other day mr. Bigelow is no longer a property and I waited on them but II Bigelow sold his home last night and was evicted by the new owner this morning he can't do this to me after all sixty all right all right all right all right I'll play a little game it's me against the system but I won't give up I'll get that car if it takes me until next Christmas [Applause] Merry Christmas miss Merry Christmas sir is there anything I can do for you no I just stopped in to tell you I bought a house twenty-eight rooms and seven baths all I need is two rooms in the shower but I thought out look miss this isn't personal I want my card yeah the six months I've been coming here six months I mean you've lived in the city for six months I've lived in this library alone for six months oh then you automatically get a card I didn't need I didn't need a telephone no sir here is your library card oh my god I don't believe it me me em West End on Burrell Avenue what book did you want inside the public library by Milton Gunter inside us eh yes it's out right now I'll put your name on the waiting list come back in six months it may be in a listen lady I don't ask much out of life all I just want to do is read a book that's all a book yeah give me any torture I put my he took my give me it back according to sub-rule age after Paul violations of rule 16 your library card must be torn up no my god after a period of ten years is alleged you may use the public library good day no no all I wanted was a book I'm going back to regeneration for [Applause] just a moment in the meantime Kym friends remember the words of the eminent nose and throat specialist whose statement you heard a little while ago we would be neglecting our patients who smoke if we did not suggest that they smoke Phillip Morris yes there's a difference in Phillip Morris that distinguishes it from any other leading brand and to you that difference means a cleaner smoke a fresher milder smoke than you've ever known before remember of all leading cigarettes the superiority of Phillip Morris and only Phillip Morris is recognized by eminent nose and throat specialists no other cigarette can make that statement is your boyfriend Milton saying good night see you next Tuesday good night [Applause] or a cleaner fresher milder smoke join the millions who call for Philip Morris America's finest cigarettes and now goodbye Johnny see you next Tuesday same time same station listen in Sunday night when Charlie presents Philip Morris snide with Horace Heidt over the same network until them hello hello testing one two three four five that's it five pipe smokers try revelation pipe tobacco a smooth blend of five tobacco's yes relax take five take revelation of fine pipe tobacco this is NBC the National Broadcasting Company

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