Larry David Joins the Late Night Writing Staff

-So, I thought that was
a great show last night. Very good monologue. -Oh, my God,
I'm so sorry I'm late. I had, uh —
an extra-long urination. [ Laughter ]
I mean, just on and on and on. 'Cause I would have been here. It took literally like
two and a half minutes. It was unbelievable — it was
a record-setting urination. -This is our new writer,
Larry David, everybody. -Yeah. -Oh, wow, applause. I'm honored. Thank you.
Thank you very much. -And I thought it would be nice
if we started by having everybody go around
and introduce themselves. -Eh. [ Laughter ]
Not necessary. I'm good. -You don't want to learn
the names of your new — -Eh.
I'll learn it gradually. I'm not gonna
remember it anyway. I'm not gonna go,
"Whoa, whoa, Mark. Mark's got a beard.
Mark's got a beard. Susan — Susan is
African-American." You know,
I'm not gonna remember. -Uh-huh.
-So let's just, hey. We'll hey for a while. You know, we'll do hey.
Hey! -Hey.
-Hey! -Hey. -Hey! -Hey. -See?
-Yeah. -Hey!
-Hey. -I'll hey, you, too!
-Perfect. I'm fine to be heyed. -What, are you above the hey? [ Laughter ]
-I'm not above the hey. That's why I said
I'm fine with the hey. -You didn't sound sincere.
It didn't sound very sincere. -I'm perfectly happy
with the hey. -Are you sure? -I'm perfectly fine
with the hey. -'Cause that's gonna put you on the same level
as everybody else. 'Cause everybody is supposed to
know your name, right? -If people want to hey me,
I'm fine being heyed. -Hey.
-Not you. [ Laughter ]
So what we do in these pitch meetings is
we go around the room and — [ Laughter ] -I think I know
how a pitch meeting works. -Oh, you think you know?
-Yeah, I think I do. Yeah. -Okay.
-The people pitch ideas, right? You call on somebody
and they tell you their ideas. Isn't that how it works?
-I just wanted to make sure. -You know, I've worked on
television shows before. -My apologies.
[ Light laughter ] -Apology accepted. -All right.
So let's get started. -Great.
-Yes, okay. Here's what — -I'm sorry.
We actually start with Reese and then we go clockwise.
-Ah. You got a little process,
do you? -It's a process. -Have you ever gone
counterclockwise just to, you know, shake it up? -We haven't gone
counterclockwise. -You might want to try counter.
-I don't think — -You might want to try
going diagonal. [ Laughter ] -These are all
very interesting ideas. -Does everybody sit in the same
chair all of the time? -No, chairs can switch. -Have they ever switched? -They haven't switched
up to this point. -Okay, 'cause first of all,
and I don't want to complain, okay, but I have a little
problem sitting here. -What's the problem with
sitting there? -Well,
I've got kind of long legs. You know, I like to
kind of stretch out, put my legs on something. -No one else has anything
to put their legs on. -I know, I know, I know. See, if I was sitting here, I could actually put my legs up
on that bookcase there. -Do you want to sit there? -I would — would you mind
switching seats with me? -Um, sure, no problem. -This is a good thing. -Okay.
-This is a good thing. See, now this — now you're
gonna get something from me. Now you're gonna
get your money's worth. -All right. Well, I'm very glad
to hear that. -Okay. Um — -What now? -The chair is kind of stuck
in a vertical position. -Mm-hmm. -And if I had to choose between the vertical chair
and the feet… -Mm-hmm. -…or the horizontal chair
and no feet, I think I'd go horizontal. -So you want to switch back? -I'd love to switch back,
if that's okay. -Yeah, let's switch back. And then maybe after that,
we'll get started. How's that sound?
-Would you mind switching back? -No. Go ahead. -That's great. -Sorry. Excuse me. -Oh, yeah. Horizontal, way to go. Okay. This is it. I'm good.
-You're good? -And I'm sorry if
I've disrupted anything with this chair business. -No. Well worth it
to have you in the room. -Thank you.
-Very happy about it. And we're gonna get started now,
so that's good. -Let us, by all means,
get started. -All right. Thank you.
Thank you for your enthusiasm. Reese.
-Great. So this will be a desk piece
called "Oval Office Additions." -New Oval Office additions?
-Yeah. So recently the Oval Office
was renovated, and because
Trump is President — -It was renovated?
Okay, go ahead, I'm sorry. -Instead of, like,
a bust of Abraham Lincoln, there'd be a bust of
Colonel Sanders. And we would do,
like, you know, like, six of those with photoshops. -Great. That's great.
-Yeah. [ Laughter ] -Is this how it works? People kind of snicker
at a bad idea? [ Laughter ] -I don't think
that's what happened. -You said "great" to that idea. Seriously, what happens if it's
a — if it's a brilliant idea? That was dreadful. -This isn't really something
that happens at pitch. We sort of talk about it
after the fact. But maybe you'd like to go. -I'm up?
-What's the idea, Larry? -Okay, it's called "What Are
the Idiots Up To This Week?" You got the White House idiots
on one side, you got the Congressional idiots
on the other side. You got the Hollywood idiots
over — [ Laughter ] [ Slurping ] [ Laughter ] Are you done? -I'm drinking my tea. -Did you have to have tea
right at this particular moment when I'm doing my first pitch? Could that be any ruder? -It wasn't planned. That was
just when the tea was ready. -Well, she shouldn't be
interrupting the pitch. -It wasn't an interruption.
It was just a giving of the tea. -The pitch is sacrosanct, okay?
-The pitch is sacrosanct? -Yes, you don't
interrupt pitches. Under any circumstances. -Oh, the pitch is sacrosanct?
-Yes. -We're learning so much
from you. This is so helpful
to have you here. The pitch is sacrosanct. -Oh, it's not? -The pitch is the pitch! -The pitch is
the whole ball game. It cannot and should not
ever be interrupted. -Just go back to your pitch. -Go back to the pitch? -Go back to the pitch,
go back to where you were, before the tea. -You can't go back to a pitch. -That pitch is gone now? -The pitch has a motion,
and you interrupted the flow. I can't go back. -So that pitch is gone forever. -The pitch is gone.
There's no flow. You can't try
and recapture a flow. -So you had a flow?
-Yeah. -You had
a once-in-a-lifetime flow. And then that flow was
interrupted forever… -Yes.
-…because I got a tea. -Yes, you just can't go back. You can't go back in time and
pretend I wasn't interrupted. -Okay.
So do you have another pitch? -I do.
-Great. -Okay.
-No interruptions. I'll put my tea down. -Thank you.
-The floor is yours. -No tea drinking?
-No tea drinking. -Huh, you got the tea
out of the way? -Tea's out of the way.
-That's all covered? -Open road.
-Huh? No coffee? -No coffee.
-No lattes? -No caffeine at all.
-Nothing? Soup? -Just me —
-What about some soup? -No soup.
-Huh, no soup? -Full attention.
-Soup's a distraction. I don't want any soup. -Ears open, eyes open.
-Okay. -Looking at Larry.
-All right. Here we go. I'm gonna make it really fast. It's a segment called
"I Don't Want To Do That." -Great.
-And basically, someone asks you to dinner
and you go, "I don't want to do that.
Why would I do that? It's late. I want to go home." Well, somebody asks you
to the movies, you go, "I don't want to do that.
What are you, out of your mind? Go to the movies with you?
I don't even like you." You know. "And the movie
probably stinks anyway." -That's great.
Amber, you're up. -Okay, I was thinking —
[ Laughter ] -Hold, hold, hold it. "That's great"? -What's wrong with that? -You weren't even smiling
when I told it to you. You didn't laugh.
So how's it great? -Well, I'm sorry. But you put me
in a place where I felt very sensitive about your flow
and the interruption of it. I was trying to be
a blank canvas so that your pitch could have
all the real estate it needed to live and breathe
and come to life. -So you thought it was great,
did you? -I thought it was great.
-Hmm. [ Laughter ] Are you sure? -I'm absolutely sure. -Are you really sure? -I'm really sure. ♪♪ ♪♪ [ Laughter ] -Okay. I just looked into your soul. You know what I discovered,
Seth Meyers? You're a liar! That's right! You're lying to me,
you're lying to them. You're lying to everybody! Well, you know what?
I don't want to work for a liar. You people want to work
for a liar? Come on, let's go! Let's go! Come on! You don't want to work for
a liar. Hey, hey, hey! Come on! You're an asshole! -Yeah, okay. Good, go! Because he's right. I have been lying to you! They weren't great ideas. Since this show started we
haven't had a single great idea. There have been five "okays"
and a "maybe." I have the great ideas. So we're gonna be just fine
without you. Just fine! [ Laughter ] ♪♪

31 thoughts on “Larry David Joins the Late Night Writing Staff

  1. This is like my father and big brother talking/having a conversation/arguing while my brother tries his very best to tolerate my insufferable father 😂

  2. Seth once knighted a future kind of the realm. He shouldn't drink tea as much as he should read tea leaves.

  3. They need to respect the God Larry David. Whatever he says should go. He's always right (it's just that it's about things people are normally quiet about).

  4. With a name like mine, I have learned to live by the "Hey!" Because, everyone remembers my name, but I can't always remember their names. I'm always at a big disadvantage. Their odds of remembering my name are 100 times better. They have probably met only one guy named Sky in their entire life.

    How the hell am I supposed to remember that their name is John? Well, at least I don't say "Hey, guy!" or "Hey, buddy!" That's a dead giveaway that you can't remember their name. I usually just go with a simple, "Hey! How's it going? It's been a long time. You're looking good, man!"

    I try to quickly move past the name and go right for the compliment. It helps cover up the fact that I can't remember the 237th Steve whom I've met. Ha ha!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *