Host Patton Oswalt’s 2017 Writers Guild Awards Opening Monologue

[Applause] welcome to the 2017 Writers Guild Awards please give it up for tonight's host Patton Oswalt [Applause] ah thank you everybody you go down there you'll be in my tummy soon hello alcoholic shut-ins thank you guys so much for coming out to celebrate this year's writers go the word now because of the new era we're living in we take the threat of terrorism very seriously so Homeland Security said who better to secure the WGA than two soldiers from the armed forces of the Russian Federation say Prive to your ease a blob and Boris bits key crochet Wow all right welcome to the last ever WGA award ladies and gentlemen every statuette comes with a month's worth of firewood some antibiotics and nine shotgun shells so we celebrate the end of the written word this evening we will also be saying goodbye to the apostrophe in the word your that is apparently gone forever I'm Patton Oswalt or as Ryan Murphy called me in my people vs. OJ Simpson audition a healthy Steve Bannon so take a look and I'm very excited for all of our not just the potential winners tonight it doesn't matter if you win tonight or if you're nominated you are all haters and losers remember that please please and there's so many this was a great year for screeners by the way can we just say the screener packaging one with the little envelopes you got to slice them it's oh it felt like a secret agent you know but there's some Amit look la la land is nominated tonight la la land which an amazing it's a it's a gorgeous throwback musical and it's also the word that Ben Carson refers to the vagina as which is nice lala land I'm not getting any more sober this evening folks enjoy it these are the most consonants you're going to hear before the evening is over oh and how about the movie of loving and fences and and moonlight and hidden figures this year just incredibly talented african-american cats so Jewish producers give yourselves a round of applause for making that happen that is fantastic I know a lot of people here tonight are very angry about two things of course one that Deadpool is nominated for Best Screenplay and the Trump is president now look I can't I can't speak for Deadpool because in my opinion that should win best picture of that movie rule and Donald Trump I want to be very careful making jokes about one because I don't want to be kicked to death by James Woods backstage which which would be an honor by the way that guy is amazing I'd be a no goddamn it damn it down easy I know you look dude they're comfortable what this is an award show did you see crazy wonderful whatever isn't shoot and by the way what I lost half my Twitter following today coming here so I have some oh did you that's okay there you go oh wow all those all those egg avatars gone that's terrible I loved you in The Onion field like I love you I need you you can do whatever you want to me I love you okay thank you good see there's peace there's some peace here where I'm reaching out thank you and by the way I feel bad I feel bad for Trump the poor guy look here's what happened Trent they they have that that the the journalist dinner the Correspondents Dinner Obama went up made fun of Donald very mean and Donald said I'm taking his job that you don't make fun of me I'll take your job spend all this money now he has the job and he's sitting there going this job sucks I might life before this was amazing it was golf and hookers and jets like his okay him taking let me get to the end of this James is he let me finish okay good there you go Donald Trump taking Obama's job would be like if if the head of linguistics at Rutgers made fun of David Lee Roth and David Lee Roth was like I'm going to take his job simply boppity boop and then he spends 40 million dollars and he goes into that first meeting like all right I'm the head of linguistics at Rutgers bring on the hookers in the cocaine leg no we're going to talk about the lack of recursion in German Romantic poetry and he was like how many families in believe moving in what just happened I can we agree okay good he's laughing James Woods is laughing so relax have fun tonight all right now again this tonight is about you the writers and and wit just the amazing work you do and I'm just saying this as a film buff and a movie nerd thank you all and and also not just right now television is the way Hollywood was in the early 70s the stuff that is getting made right now is insane so thank you all for all of it all of it

41 thoughts on “Host Patton Oswalt’s 2017 Writers Guild Awards Opening Monologue

  1. Patton Oswalt is not funny. The Hollywood idiots should not spread their moron ideals. Hey Hollywood idiots no one cares about your political beliefs just do your Damn job – dance, sing, or act and nothing more. Get a grip public these Hollywood idiots are so far removed from the real world.

  2. None of this was funny. It's surprising this guy didn't get in one decent joke for a whole six minutes. Is this guy supposed to be funny or is he new at this? Never even heard of him.

  3. I'm a democrat and I hate that pretty much every award show or music event keeps turning into a DNC rally.

  4. This was pretty funny. Not quite as funny as someone who was an actual stand-up comedian, but it was okay. He had some good jokes and I'm a trump supporter and I wasn't really offended by what he said. I like the interaction with James Woods. "all those egg avatars." That was kind of funny.
    Just one thing though, when I saw the Writers Guild, I thought they were actual writers, not screenwriters.

  5. Every thing he said wasn't funny, and the best part was when that guy got up on stage. And that was only funny because the rest was so bad.

  6. This guy is a total ass.. always has been. He's always been a pathetic little piss ant. President Trump has not slowed down since he took office with over 200,000 new jobs in the funnel and a pledge of nearly $80 BILLION DOLLARS in new investments by companies that would not BE HERE WITHOUT TRUMP! And he just got started.. with a cabinet the Democrats are dragging ass on. Waite until everyone's in place.. he will make Obama look like the punk he is.

  7. Congratulations! You convinced 0 Trump supporters that they're wrong!

    I seriously can't be the only one who realizes that preaching to the choir doesn't help anything can I?

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