Frustrated Writers Club


Okay, the page just came up. It’s all black
and white with a picture of a typewriter along the top. Yes, that’s it. Okay, what now? Come again? What now? You were showing me your blog but
this doesn’t look like a blog. That’s because you still have to navigate
TO the blog. I thought I just did that. What? Am I not on the blog already? You typed in the address, hit enter, and did
nothing else, correct? Correct. Then you’re not on the blog already. I thought you were showing me your blog. I am. But this isn’t your blog? It IS my blog, but you still have to–– I’m just saying that with you being the
writer and all, you’re kind of lacking in specificity, you know? You just have to click the link! What link? The one that says “Blog” on it. Okay, wait, do you have MORE than one blog? Oh. My. God …. Okay, that looks like a blog. I’m so happy you approve. Can you tell me something, though? If it’s within my ability to communicate
at a level far beneath my average working vocabulary. What? What? If it’s within my ability– What? If it’s within my ability to communicate
at a level far beneath my average working vocabulary. I don’t understand a single thing happening
in this post. Who’s Clarence and what the hell is a “laser raptor cock”? What are you doing? You can’t start the
story there! What? Where? I’m at the beginning of your
blog. No, that’s the end. It’s the end now? Well, not the end––I’m not done writing––but
that’s where I’m currently at. The beginning? The end! All I wanna know is where the hell am I supposed
to start reading this thing? You have to go to the bottom of the page. I have to go to the BOTTOM of the page to
read the BEGINNING of your blog? Is there an explanation at the bottom of the page about
the laser raptor cock? No, there are navigation links at the bottom
of the page. You need to click back to the beginning of the blog. The beginning isn’t where I started? No, you started at the end. You know this shit is confusing, right? Why
didn’t I go to the beginning of the blog in the first place? Because that’s not how blogs work. THERE’S FIVE HUNDRED AND THIRTY NINE PAGES
ON YOUR BLOG? That’s about right. How many posts are on each page? Ten. That’s a bit much. How do you figure? Why don’t you just publish a book?! Well–– BOOKS ARE EASIER TO NAVIGATE! YOU ALWAYS KNOW
WHERE TO START AND YOU JUST *TURN* THE PAGE. I’ll publish it when I’m done. IT’S A FIVE HUNDRED AND THIRTY NINE PAGE
BLOG. And counting. Are you ever GOING to be done? No … probably not. This … This is problematic. We’re talking about the epic, never-ending
sci-fi fiction blog? Have you read it? I’m aware of it. You’ve never read it? I’m AWARE of it. I’ve read every single one of your books. And I’ve read YOUR book. With additional
emphasis on the singular nature of the word “book”. Of course you read it. Everybody read it.
It’s a bestseller. WAS a bestseller. Six years ago. And you followed
up all of that record-shattering success with a BLOG that you’ve been writing for five
years and can’t seem to figure out how to finish. It’s an anthology. It’s incomprehensible. What have YOU written? Huh? ANYTHING? What
are you even doing in this chat?! YOU asked me to read your blog! I apologize … But YOU–– Me? HIM. (sighs) At least I’ve HAD a bestseller, even if
it’s only been one. How’s the whole self-publishing business working out for you, you arrogant
son of a bitch? Jesus, fellas. Is there some hostility up
in here or is it just raining rhino jizz outside or something? I have a feeling we both saw the same news
this morning. Cupid’s Third Stand? Cupid’s Third Stand. Did somebody say the name of the latest installment
of my Christian-Romance-Cash-Cow Extravaganza starring none other than Cupid, the heroic
god of erotic desire?! Your new book came out? Yesterday. It’s already number 12 on Amazon’s
top romance list. Congratulations! Oh, for the love of–– No––this kind of formulaic genre bullshit
deserves no one’s congratulatory remarks. Oh, these fellas are just sour because I,
unlike them, actually make money with my writing. By taking advantage and exploiting a market
you have no business writing for! Christian romance? He’s an atheist! Guilty as charged. But I’m still a writer.
My creative talents and shockingly astute intellect allow me to craft stories that are
APPEALING to the Christian market. This is like a vegetarian becoming a butcher. Because YOU’VE been to space and wrapped
your own hands around a throbbing laser raptor cock? You’ve read my blog, then? Forget being an atheist––how can you write
romance novels when you’ve never been in a real relationship in your entire life?! It’s called FICTION. It’s called BULLSHIT. It’s called jealousy, is what it is. You, my friend, are a sell-out of the worst
kind. It’s despicable. It’s heinous. It’s inexcusable. It’s reprehensible. It’s vile, putrid, and utterly distasteful. Totally despicable. I already said that. What? Oh, I apologize. Perfectly fine. I dunno, he’s writing and selling books
successfully. It sounds like you guys ARE kinda jealous. Yeeeeaaaah, what HE said. What it sounds like is that we have STANDARDS. Ethics. Behavior that IS ethical. Scruples, even. Moral obligations to write in a manner befitting
…. Befitting writer’s who want to be PROUD
of their work. PRIDE. Yes. We have pride. Pride? You’re proud of your library of self-published
novellas that nobody reads? And you? Are you proud of the twisted mess of a sci-fi blog
that takes a four-year degree in engineering to understand how to navigate? Are these things
you’re PROUD of? Because, me, I’m proud that I’ve built career out of doing something
I love. …. scamming a system and a disrespecting
genuine authors throughout the world? What was that? Hater’s gonna hate, man. Yeah. Well, listen, it was great catching
up, fellas. I’ve gotta run. I’m taping an interview about Cupid’s Third Stand.
It’ll air nationally tomorrow morning. On TV. Nationally. So …. yeah. Later. Cool guy. I hate him with every fiber of my being. Cupid’s Third Stand …. That is such a
stupid title. ….. I am so jealous. I want his success. He just keeps writing, how does he write so
much? And it’s the perfect niche. Right?! Christian romance. God!

8 thoughts on “Frustrated Writers Club

  1. Bon travail ! C'était une bonne idée de mettre les sous-titre en français vu la mauvaise qualité de mon anglais. Lâchez-pas !
    Claude

  2. Excellent job guys.. HateMeProductions, welcome, great job my friend.. OriginalCollabs. Good to see you. Chris, You are the ”Bad Boy of Ballistic Banter”.. “How does he right so much?..Perfect Niche… Right?! Christian romance. God! Slayed me. Great one Jordan.

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