“What if your daughter ended
up going to UC Santa Cruz?” And there’s no name on this. It’s just like, “What if?” The cosmic karma, fuck. But that’s gonna happen. I just know it’s gonna happen. She’s gonna be like, “Dad, I’m a banana slug.” I’ll be like,
“Why couldn’t you be a stand-up comedian?” “Dear Hasan, I saw your AMA that you had several single male writers. How do I set up those intro meetings? Sincerely, Meg, 24,
and gainfully employed.” Well, that’s a great question, Meg. Because right now… we have our single male writers. Meg? Let’s just get it poppin’. Up first we have @MossPerricone. Moss, come on up. This is Moss. I don’t know if
you’ve been following the Instagram. We have a thing called his “Mosstache”. You guys have been voting whether or not he should keep
his mosstache or not. He got rid of it. Your guys’ voices matter. Any other fun facts, Moss? I feel really bad right now, I’m sorry. Up next we have Ismael Loutfi. Ismael, come on up. Meg, Ismael has the mustache, so. Just depending on what you’re into. There’s a Ryan on the AMA? Wow. Fuck! It is dirty out in these streets. Damn. That was just the verbal
swipe left on both. I gave you two options. You had two brown Nintendo Wii characters. Mustache or no mustache and you were like, “Let’s go something
a little bit more Ryan. Is the Ryan available?” Well, I think I have something… that fulfills the Caucasian quota of Ryan. We have Zach Rice, ladies and gentlemen. Give it up for @zach_r1ce. Zach, how, you’re 25? Yeah, don’t put this on me. Don’t put this on me. I got no skin in the game, come on, bro. You saw the popped collars.
I mean, no, man. I’ve been out of the game for a minute. He just moved to New York. Zach, come on. Ah, hilarious. You know what’s really funny about this? Is, um… my first special was about…Homecoming Kingwas about
a white girl turning down a brown guy, and I found it to be very painful. And now that I’ve watched
it happen to Ismael and Moss, I think it’s hilarious. Prashanth, we should just make
this the show. Yes, yes. People want that, Prashanth. How many times have I told you this? Being smart is dumb. We were up until like 3:00 o’clock
in the morning writing this piece. You know I went to a very dark place
when we were writing this? Seriously, when I’m like, “So if we just burn it all
we’re just all gonna die?” And then Prashanth, remember Prashanth? You just started going crazy. You’re like, “Yeah, we deserve this.” It was like we were staying up
late studying for the MCAT, and then your one
Indian friend is just like, “Hey man, we’re never getting in.
We’re going to the Caribbean. It’s not happening, okay?” He was like,
“We deserve this. Oil, this, oil. Phones, oil. Sharpie, oil.” And I’m like,
“Stop man, you know I have kids.” It’s everywhere! All right,
“I’ve been told by non-brown people that we are in the era
of the “Brown Come Up.” Do you agree? If so, what’s in been like being
at the forefront of that?” This is from Ampika Pie. I didn’t know we had,
that was the official title. It’s called the “Brown Come Up?” Are you, yeah? That’s the thing everyone is saying? It’s called the “Brown Come Up?” I’ve been calling it the… “Melanin Takeover.” I’m on a brown WhatsApp
group called “The Brilluminati” which is pretty cool. It’s like all brown Illuminati. “What’s it like being at
the forefront of that?” I’m like, I’m like the sixth most
famous Indian American, so, but it’s cool. There’s a lot of really,
really cool artists that are coming up, and it’s really exciting. “What is in your Amazon cart right now?” Fuck, you actually know
that I still use Amazon, god damn it. I went to Amazon, you know what’s crazy?
I went to Amazon Books this weekend. It’s so fucked up.
I went to the bookstore. We were in Columbus Circle and I was like, I saw it in the window, and I’m like, “You know what I like.” And I bought an Amazon book. Which used to be a Barnes & Noble. And then when I was at the register, I was like, um… The episode hadn’t come out yet. The Amazon episode. And I was like,
“Hey, is it hard working here?” Like, I was trying to get dirt, you know? Do they make you pee in a bottle? The lady was like… I think they thought, she thought, like, I was buying a book to just be like, “Hey. What time do you get off?” I was like, “No, no, it’s for research.” And I’m like, “That doesn’t work either.” Because the episode hadn’t come out yet. But yeah, she was like, “This used to be a Barnes & Nobles.” And I’m like, “Is it worse now?” And she’s like, “They’re all corporations.
They’re all the fucking worst.” I’m like, “All right, duly noted. Can I put in my Prime number?” She’s like, “Yeah, you get a discount.”